Garfieldhug's Blog

This & That Including What Ails

Weekend….What To Do But Laugh

on August 28, 2016

​TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!

 How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

 WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

 ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

 WITNESS: My name is Susan!

 ___________________________

 ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

 WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

 ___________________________

 ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

 WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

 ___________________________

 ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

 WITNESS: July 18th.

 ATTORNEY: What year?

 WITNESS: Every year.

 ___________________________

 ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

 WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

 ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

 WITNESS: Forty-five years.

 ___________________________

 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

 WITNESS: Yes.

 ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

 WITNESS: I forget..

 ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

 ___________________________

 ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

 WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

 ___________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

 WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

 ___________________________

 ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

 WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

 ___________________________

 ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

 WITNESS: Yes.

 ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

 WITNESS: Getting laid

 ___________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

 WITNESS: Yes.

 ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

 WITNESS: None.

 ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

 WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

 ___________________________

 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

 WITNESS: By death..

 ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

 WITNESS: Take a guess.

 ___________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

 WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

 ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

 WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

 ___________________________

 ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

 WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

 ___________________________

 ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

 WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

 ___________________________

 ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

 WITNESS: Oral…

 ___________________________

 ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

 WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

 ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

 WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

 ___________________________

 ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

 WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
___________________________

 And last:

 ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

 WITNESS: No.

 ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

 WITNESS: No.

 ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

 WITNESS: No..

 ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

 WITNESS: No.

 ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

 WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

 ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

 WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Happy Sunday folks and laugh!!

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14 responses to “Weekend….What To Do But Laugh

  1. So funny! My partner said to me only yesterday he doesn’t have problems with his memory, he just forgets things…and couldn’t understand why I burst out laughing!

  2. calmkate says:

    You had me laughing out loud with these ones! I used to work in children’s court and heard far worse than that, you have no idea!
    Your brother is incredibly kind and generous, I’m impressed!
    Nobody wants to be sick but if we had food like that in our hospitals I might find something I could come down with … just joking.

  3. scifihammy says:

    These are priceless! πŸ™‚

    • Garfield Hug says:

      😊glad you enjoyed it. Have a relaxing Sunday Sci and thank you for being with me this week. Your voice made a good positive difference and I am grateful 😁

      • scifihammy says:

        Aw I am happy to hear it πŸ™‚ You always make light of your situation, but it can’t be fun being in pain and in hospital!
        Still – home tomorrow πŸ™‚

  4. Hilarious! I had a good laugh.

  5. mistermuse says:

    This post is so funny, I wish I had written it! πŸ™‚

  6. Neethu says:

    Hilarious…πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

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