Garfieldhug's Blog

This & That Including What Ails

Awakening

on May 2, 2017

It is hard to walk away from family. 

No religion teaches this nor any well meaning person does this!

But if I don’t, my sanity may go and or I will suffer major illnesses.

I suffer from an autoimmune disorder, amongst other ailments.

My rheumatologist and immunologist has often asked me years ago if I am under extreme stress. Stress sparks my disorder.

I lied. 

But deep in the depths of my heart or stomach as Asians would say, I knew that what my siblings and own father did to me, left me dumbfounded.

I asked self if I was indeed their blood child. Regrettably I was. That was not an excuse I could use to explain their behaviour towards me.

Jealously? Probably as they expected me to be down and out on the streets when they chased me out of a home. I was like dust which refused to go away.

Like a pariah, I walked out with a suitcase of the clothes I had. 

All my other things were left behind and I knew sis scavanged and took what was left. Earthly things did not bother me as I can always buy once am back on my feet.

Within a year of leaving the home, I worked furiously to amass wealth. Survival instincts kicked in and if survivor series was available back then, I would do well to forage for food 

The pressures of life caught up with me and I landed up in hospital.

As the doctors unravelled my illness, I was left like a guinea pig to be given biopsies etc.

When the diagnosis finally concluded, they pronounced my death sentence. As usual, nothing can be done. 

Years have past. I continue my physical fight. I beat the odds to live. But my mental fight is waning.

I need both mental and physical health to tackle life.

I gave up on religion and I have cursed God for whatever HE has given me. I have been pious. I tried to be a God fearing person.

But I no longer fear God as God to me, is a creation of man to seek comfort and solace. I still seek a plausible reason for life’s lemons.

I am beyond that.

The trials I have undergone have not given me meaning and sense. The only lesson I learnt is that blood does not make a family.

What makes a family is empathy, compassion, being there for one another when needed. Friendship and love. These were non existent.

Instead I faced verbal abuse, threats of physical violence from both my bro and father. They wanted me out of the house 

I have kept my promise throughout, regardless of how difficult family made it for me.

I did not fail as they expected. A large part of them felt I should die. This way, I am a nuisance out of their way.

It will be a hard journey ahead as I walk away with my back facing them. In my parents’ declining years to lose my support is sad to me.

I know bro will never return to lil red dot to care for them permanently and neither will he spare change to provide for them. 

His Lizard would never approve as he is beholden to her and her family in HK being their money bags.

As for sis, she is too engrossed in life in NZ and always putting her son first to care about her parents. She has often told me to dump them in an old folks home. That is her duty as a child practising filial piety. 

She did not attend her mum in law’s funeral as she saw no need to do so as her son is pivotal.

I doubt she will offer to pay the hefty fees for our parents’ old folks home stay. 

Plus the conditions in our old folks home is not the standard of NZ or developed countries. 

We lag behind in this and that is why I furiously volunteer to help seniors to get policy makers to improve. We are getting there, but not quite just yet.

Too many lemons really….

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10 responses to “Awakening

  1. There comes a time though, when you have to do what’s right for you and put yourself first xx

  2. calmkate says:

    good to vent but Samantha offers good advice

  3. Interesting on the use of language, we say stomach in place of heart too.

    Wish you more strength to deal with it all xx

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