Garfieldhug's Blog

This & That Including What Ails

Hello 2019….

on December 30, 2018

2018 went out like a whimper for me as I was so stressed from work, family issues and not having enough self time for me, myself and I.

I wish I did not behave so selfishly to want self time but having to devote myself to 2 elderlies has taken a toll on me. After much dialogue with my siblings, they came down as I am just so tired.

Mum is difficult and “thin skin” which means she is or can be very caustic and complains of pain that confuses the medical fraternity. She is not one to handle pain well and would imply “attacks” which the cardiac team would think she is having a heart attack when she is not.

She would turn on her tears at every doctor she meets and makes me feel like she is living a life of poverty. She would give snide remarks to doctors who charges a consultant fee and be happy when she gets freebie service.

This is so wrong as no doctor lives on fresh air and sunshine. My doctor friends charges her a nominal fee and she gets angry citing my “friends”as being “greedy” and are not real friends.

I give up.

I am only replying her for each pain if she wants me to do a mad dash to the hospital again. To which, she will condemn me and say that I am thinking she is faking it.

I do feel her pain is psycho somatic and it stems from her fall in January 2018.

As an elderly, the intercostal muscles were impacted when she fell face down and the inflammation takes time to heal. As with age, it takes a longer time.

Case in point, if it is was pain on a scale of 1 to 10 and her pain is as she claims, a mega 10, then how is it that Panadol can ease the pain. I have had pain that required morphine for pain to abate.

She claims rubs like nutmeg balm helps. So, this makes me feel that it is her mind that is playing up.

Between a caustic mum and a brain loopy dad, I am crushed with work stressors.

2019 will be giving me more stress as my parents will age one year more and my mum will increasingly get more ugly in words, in actions and everything else.

I wish she can let go of the past and live life with gusto and with happiness. I feel she does not want happiness but embraces, nagging and condemnation of my dad. I have explained to her that he is not able to function as his brain is mushy and it happens not because he wants to but he is just like that with age.

I do not have a good relationship with my dad as he never liked me. But I am the only one he has left and I did not like it that my mum is full of condemnation for him.

If marriage is so difficult, I wish they would divorce and let each live out their last days peacefully. Mum is too chicken to do it as she knows that she cannot be without dad as it is he who helps her with payment of bills or help her read things.

Mum is also one who is incapable of overcoming her hearing impairment. She moans and groans so much that I tick her off by saying what about those with no limbs. Do they curse the world or live on?

Life is tough as lemons come our way most times. But the beauty of it is to be able to accept it, make lemonade out of it and move on.

Given the life challenges I have faced, I have accepted all the crappy things that have been flung my way and moved on.

Will I be perennially happy? The answer is a big emphatic NO!

Will I be accepting of the worst? I have to as there is no other option.

Will I be ready when my parents take their leave from this earthly realm? Yes! In fact, if I feel my mum is living life so miserably and full of condemnation for people, then it is better she leaves earlier so that she can be freed of this horrid behaviour of hers and find delight in the heavenly realm.

The wonders of old age never ceases to amaze me and if I ever become like her, then I am speechless. No one owes me a living and doctors need to make a living. I cannot begrudge them if they charge me consultation fees.

Sigh. 2019 is  not looking good for me.


13 responses to “Hello 2019….

  1. Kris says:

    I’m so sorry, GH. You truly need a break you won’t get. And even when they do pass on, this year or whenever, you won’t get that break. I hate to sound like a wet blanket, I know you will continue to do as you will do and there’s no doing anything about it (note, those words work well as they are from ‘Cats!’). Xoxoxo

  2. MELewis says:

    Good that you vow not to become like your Mom as you age — I know many who turned out exactly like the parents they felt oppressed by once they were gone. 😉 Hope that 2019 gives you the break you deserve, or at least a bit of peace from the eternal demands!

  3. Gina says:

    i am so sorry to read how glum you feel, there will be surely something to make 2019 better, just be patient, i know it is not easy being the caretaker and caregiver of two elderly folk, you amaze me with your resilience and patience. you need a holiday…come to Malaysia..I’ll gladly host you! Seriously! a relaxing time to rejuvenate in the cool mountain air and lots of cake!!

  4. RMW says:

    I know exactly how you are feeling. I suppose I was fortunate that my dad passed away when he did as I only had to deal with my mother at the end. I was her caregiver for 18 years (she passed at 98). It’s taken me three years to realize I am free! As an only child I had to deal with both my parents all my life… they and I were never the best of friends and it was a vicious circle to say the least. All I can tell you is that you HAVE to take time for yourself. You HAVE to step aside once in a while and look at everything more objectively. If you can, go to the top of a mountain, or any high place, and look down. You will see how insignificant everything is. Going on in your current state of mind you will make yourself ill and then you will be no good for anybody, including you!

  5. juliehcares says:

    Living with my mother and helping her had shown me how much I have to take time for myself. And I agree, we will NOT turn out like our parents!

  6. I certainly do understand what you are dealing with! My grandmother was a whiz, and my mum was truly her mother’s daughter! Both my mum and I always joked that it was a good thing Grandmother wasn’t bedridden (she died of a heart attack) but when it came mum’s turn, she was every bit as bad. I was blessed that my parents had moved into a continuing care facility, so I never had either of my parents to deal with full time.

    That being said, given the problems YOU have been having – never mind the torment of your parents – I am concerned for your wellbeing. You honestly need to get your siblings involved with their care. If you “fall down and go boom” who is going to pick up the pieces? Is there outside care available for your folks? Some sort of day care, either at home or in an adult facility? Maybe a change of scenery would do your mum some good. I also wonder if part of your dad’s loopyness is caused, or exacerbated, by your mum’s attitude toward him? An adult day care might be ideal, as if would get her out with other people where she can have a new audience for her complaints. You know, misery loves company!

    Good luck to you!

    • Garfield Hug says:

      Thanks for sharing your experience. Unfortunately our local scene is not set up for a quality seniors home for me to take them to. I did tell my siblings if I do fall down and go boom, then they have to deal with it. I am trying to see if I can hire adhoc care giving. Not cheap as a set up fee of almost $3,000 required followed by hourly rates. I need to see how best to tackle this.

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