Garfieldhug's Blog

This & That Including What Ails

Not What You Think

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a sheer drop and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig, which is the same size as your car, and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get off the children’s Merry Go Round, you’re pissed.

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Moral Of The Story

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.


“What food might this contain?” the mouse wondered.

He was devastated to discover it
was a mousetrap.


Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning:

“There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!”


The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said “Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a
grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it.”


The mouse turned to the pig and told him “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a
mousetrap in the house!”

The pig sympathized, but said “I am so very sorry, Mr.
Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers.”


The mouse turned to the cow and said “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!”

The cow said “Wow, Mr. Mouse. I’m sorry for you, but it’s no skin off my nose.”

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer’s mousetrap alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house – like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer’s wife rushed to
see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail
the trap had caught.

The snake bit the farmer’s wife.

The farmer rushed her to the
hospital and she returned home with a fever.


Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup’s main ingredient.


But his wife’s sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the
clock.

To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer’s wife did not get well; she died. So many! people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.


The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and
think it doesn’t concern you, remember:

when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.

We are all involved in this journey called life….Have a good day guys😀👌

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New Inductees To Superheroes Status

It’s official…cleaners or janitors and stockists or grocery shelf stackers are new inductees after healthcare workers.

With all that panic buying…and cleaning!!

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Oh Dear…N Korea’s Covid Treatment

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Surprise

A Care Pack For Me

I was really touched when the least expected person in my totem pole of relationships left this care pack at my gate.

He did not ring my door bell nor alerted me. Instead after he left, he texted me that there is food outside my gate.

It seems he is considered in a high risk group for Covid as he interacts with people from affected Covid countries.

Of course there will be dissenters

I am appreciative that he took time from his work to buy me a roast duck (nicely chopped), cereals, oats, milk, peanut butter, cream crackers, canned tuna and a bottle of wine.

I wonder if my colleague in Quarantine is doing stuff like this😆

I was amused by the wine label he chose..Naked Grape! It is a pinot noir from California, USA.

He thinks I will enjoy getting sloshed whilst working from home. Little does he know I work harder than ever at home.

Aaah well, my work from home ends wednesday and will be back in office thursday till 3 days are up and am rotated back home.

Meanwhile the Ministry of Manpower is pushing hard for 100% telecommuting if possible.

I know my department can do so but Eunuch is reluctant to do so.

Guess we have to wait for fines to be implemented before Lords will agree to segregate us and let those of us who can work from home, to do so.

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Poor Charles!!

Please click on image to enlarge for easier reading
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A Convenient Dose

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Usefulness Of Dogs

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An Embarrasing Lizard Moment

A long read, but oh so worth it 😂😂


Here’s what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom.

One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”

“Oh, my gosh!” my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”

“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”

I was equally outraged.

“Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife.

“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?”she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.

“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know!” she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

“Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”

“Oh, gross!” they shrieked.

“Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.

“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.

“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.

“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

“Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know. “Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.

“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d’s sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs.. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.

“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. ‘This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And, occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um…um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

“So, Ernie’s just…just…excited?”, my wife offered.

“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. “It’s just…that…I’m picturing you pulling on its…its…teeny little…”

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad.” he told me.

“Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: £140.
One cage: £50.
Trip to the vet: £230.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!

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Ain’t This The Most Accurate Horoscope

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