It is easier being the transient child – flits in and out, lesser responsibilities and easier to disassociate self from the demands of familial life.
My life will return to the humdrum hustle and bustle of sleeping with one ear open, as I have always done for a long time.
I had a difficult 2 weeks. I started to disassociate self from my brother and avoided seeing him. It gave me greater sanity and control of my life.
It is best not to see, hear nor know what he wants to do to help or not help. If he decides to help, well and good. If he chooses not to, I must accept that it is not his expected duty to do so. Afterall, I am the designated (unelected, nor appointed but self inflicted responsible one) go to point person.
I have questioned life again and again.
What is life?
What has life got to do with religion? Are both intertwined?
I have thrown out religion, realizing that religion is a form of soliloquy moment for one to wallow in and try to soothe self.
Today I threw out the last 2 prayer books – enough! Also the amulet from Carmelite Monastery. Belief is as much as faith only and since I no longer believe, faith endeth.
I no longer believe in family as the word, ” family” is a misnomer to me. I can be ” family” to anyone for that matter so long as there is reciprocity or some element of kindness, acceptance and appreciation. But therein lies my fault!
Must reciprocity be expected?
Must kindness be expected to be returned?
MR EX started to get testy with me because he felt that I ought to start showering him with money and meal treats. I refused because being the Asianized woman and seeing how he splurges on just about everyone but me, I felt it was not in my place to condone his wants or needs.
Was I selfish? Probably. But I wanted him to pare down and decide that I was one to be valued and not used.
In managing my motley crew of brother and sister, I realized our recent spat arose because my brother was cross with me for buying a new car. I had no choice as my sedan type car was not helping my spine and I needed a car to be a chauffeur to my parents and run their errands. I was stuck getting in and out of my sedan as my spine was terribly stiff.
Bro condemned the choice of my new car (not that he played a part in paying in any way for me) citing how he knew the legal team of this company’s car models and that it was a “cursed” car.
Of course these allegations were baseless! There have been zero reports on the demerits of this SUV model. So I am unsure of his intentions.
Things came to a head when I approached him to help me collect the car and be a person of moral support.
His snide and curt reply was, ” your car, your problem, not mine!”
I thought back of the errands he wanted me to run for him when he was away and the things I had to do for him. I did not understand why. I never used such words with him and helped with all intent and purposes as both he and my sister acted like arm chair CEOs directing me to do their bidding for things they need.
No, I do not get paid a stipend nor am I compensated for parking fees or gas to to get their errands done. I am their unpaid minion and I just had to suck it up and do it, which I did! I never looked at compensation as to me, this was helping family.
I could attribute to the fact that my siblings were always looking at me to fail. They always put rocks in my path, steered family politics to veer my father to disown me so that I am one share lesser in the family wealth apportionment department.
My philosophy has been simple. If it is mine, it will be mine and if it is not mine, it will never be mine.
Working hard made me tenacious. It toughened me. It made me realise that I needed to rely on self to put food on my table, a roof over my head and work 3 to 4 jobs to outlive, outplay and outwit.
I put self through grad school and constantly upskill to stay adept.
I read voraciously to understand what is going on in the world and how it it will impact me.
All these hard life’s lessons, put a toll on my life – my health gave way as I worked long hours to survive.
I never regretted working hard as it gave me pride to know that I can do it. No matter what my siblings tried to foil in my life’s plan and to see me fail, it did not work.
Does it mean alot for them to see me fail? I guess so! I know they want to see me miserable, poor and defeated. But I refuse!
I am tired of lemony treats and have stopped making lemony treats. Instead I face the bull of issues by the horns and take it on.
I want to stop lying to myself that my health will improve or that my family situation with the toxic duo will get better. It won’t! If it does, then voila! A miracle of sorts!
Recently an elderly mother and son were found dead in their flat. This was in an area where I volunteer at. The decedents were in their late 80s and 60s.
The stench emitted let volunteers know that something was amiss.
I do not want to end up like that. So, I reminded Boy, my neighbor to look out for me and call the police if he sees newspapers pile up on my gate.
So, what is family again?
It is a just a noun of no meaning.
If someone is nice and can be nice, striking a good and meaningful friendship for relationship, then it is akin to something.
I will not use the word ” family” anymore as it is such a bad word.
If the word ” family” is a noun for persons of interest to use, manipulate or garner self interest agendas, then I rather kill this word.
For me, Garfield, my inanimate furball is there 100% of the time, giving me warm hugs and comfort plus solace.
For my college mate, B, she found ” family” in her four fur kids, after getting out of a difficult marriage and letting go of her pet bakery business in San Francisco.
Family means squat to those who do not know it nor want to cultivate it.
Family means manipulation to those who want to profit from it.
Family, if it genuinely exists to those who treasure it and live by it, are precious to those who have it.
Thus far, Chicken, Bird, loads of others that I know of, have weighed in and shared with me their tales of Family horrors!
Sounds like an epic Halloween block buster waiting for Stephen King to materialize it.
Garfieldhug's Blog 
My thoughts and prayers are with you, darling.
😀