Garfieldhug's Blog

This & That Including What Ails

Nothing Fazes Me But It Hurts Still

Whilst I did my best to wish my father a happy father’s day, he told me that I was insignificant and said I was worth ignoring.

My typical sad story.

I wonder why I try really when in good mental health he never treated me well.

In poor mental health, he is just as nasty to me.

When you are not his favorite, nothing is appreciated.

My heart tells me to hate him. My mouth says it.

No one else bothers about him or my mum.

I have a heavy yoke.

Each and every available vacation day is spent taking an ungrateful dad to the doctor’s.

My hands told me to take the icon of Mother Mary and Jesus hanging in my bedroom and toss it down the rubbish chute – I just did!

It felt good as that God never blessed nor lighten my load. Yes, I will burn in hell. So be it.

I hate God really for making my life a misery everyday, with no end to suffering.

I am tired.

Often times, I feel like committing suicide.

Surely there must be an end to all the difficulties of my life?

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News In Asia & The Homefront

Lil Red Dot is still planning for the inagural summit in June 2018.

Orange Man has not outright said “No” and Rocket Man has kept silent since the last outburst.

I hope for the sake of the world, sanity prevails for the 2 naughty “boys” and world peace is achieved.

Datuk Tun Mahatir, the 92 year old PM of Malaysia has succeeded in getting the royal pardon for Anwar who was imprisoned for 20 years for sodomy. He has since been released and at age 70 is the de facto PM.

Anwar has shared that he will travel, spend time with family and do speaking engagements before getting to Cabinet. His wife is currently the Dy PM and his daughter, an MP.

Tun Mahatir said that he will be PM for 2 years as by then he would be 94 years old. Many shared that he looked 70 years old and I agree as he is both witty, sharp and dapper!

Meanwhile Ex PM Najib’s future is looking bleak as police had raided his homes and found towering orange boxes of Birkin Bags costing up tp tens of thousands each bag. There is even one Birkin Bag touted to be encrusted in diamonds.

Media reports said that a money counting machine was brought to count staggering amounts of cash in his raided homes.

I think that Najib is in a spot of trouble and that the 1MDB matter will be reopened for misappropriation of state funds.

On the home front in lil red dot, we have 2 big bazzaars for Ramadan held at Geylang Serai and 1 Tampines Hub.

Loads of yummy malay treats including novel ideas of Tulang in a plastic tub for sale with noodles.

Tulang is a bone marrow soupy dish of mutton or beef. I have not tried it but many fans of soup Tulang enjoys this dish.

I was tired out after half a day with mum. She was chided by a fellow patient waiting for their turn to stop whining about doing a urine test. She was advised against being stubborn and use a proper walking stick.

Yes, mum has decided to stick with a flimsy plastic umbrella as her walking stick and refused to use the red orchid one at the Botanics. I failed miserably in trying to get her to go to the shop there with her to buy it.

I am tired of her whining and she left the clinic’s doctor after he said that she probably had muscular spasms. The same opinions of cardiologist and family practitioner.

She said that her family practitioner is a “useless doctor” and is paranoid that she is having the same cancers of her late sister (liver cancer) and friend (lung cancer).

The mind is a powerful tool and if she wills it for cancer, then it will happen.

Come August, I will take her to see a geriatrician and subject her to the myriad if tests she wants to hunt for cancer.

This will not do her any good but if it is to feed her paranoia, I have to do it and in August I will be swamped with plenty of her ridiculous medical tests to find what she wants.

I just hope that my new employer will allow me to attend to her silliness.

I wanted to ask mum…so what if we find the cancer you want? What next?

Mum has very poor threshold for pain and all because of her fall and muscular spasms she alludes to similiar severity of pain as her sister and friend in end stage cancers of liver and lung.

I am frustrated with the personality changes of mum and her changes to cause her to swear at me in front of a crowded hospital area that I will face own suffering and cancers as her because I will not back down on wanting her to practise good hygiene after toilet and using a proper walking stick. She told everyone that I am a very bad daughter.

I stayed cool and told the same audience that my mum need not swear or curse at me as I am already suffering pain everyday since 18 years old and that my pain never lets down. Plus I am single and so my karma is a wicked one as I will not have the luxury of a child or sibling to care about me when I grow old.

I then smiled at mum and said…”satisfied now?”

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My Take On Wisdom

My philosophy on Wisdom does not stem from any sage’s preaching. It also does not come from the different writings of philosophers. Instead it comes from the mentally ill.

I once worked at a mental hospital. Asylum sounds bad and so our country’s only hospital for the mentally ill was called Woodbridge Hospital. The stigma associated with mental illnesses was so bad that I decided to join this hospital, heading their corporate communications department. I set out to destigmatize normal people’s view of the mentally ill.

So, from Woodbridge Hospital, it became the Institute of Mental Health/Woodbridge Hospital and today, it just stands as IMH.

I played mah-jong with the mentally ill. I enjoyed playing with them as whatever tiles they did not like, they tossed it out of the window. You need not worry that we hit any passer-by as we have eaves outside the windows that catch dropped objects.

Their simple minds made me think. I learnt a beautifully simple lesson – What One Does Not Like – Just Discard It!

A powerful lesson in selflessness was taught to me by an inmate who has lived there his entire life. He is lucid but cannot function outside the hospital. We were out on zoo trip together with 42 of his other inmates. It was tea break and he pulled out of his backpack a packet of 10 individually wrapped Apollo chocolate wafers. He walked over to give me one. He said that his brother visits him once a month and has bought him 30 pieces ( 3 blister packs of 10s) – one a day for a month.

When I heard that, I politely thanked him and declined. If I ate that piece, he is deprived of 1 Apollo chocolate wafer bar for the month. He coaxed me into taking it, saying that if I did not accept it, I am not his friend. To him, things must be shared with friends! Lesson 2 – Sharing is giving!

I would often sit at the stone seats within he hospital grounds and observe the patients. In particular, I would see a teenager walking forward 4 steps and walking backwards 3 steps. This teenager does not go far, yet the persistence in walking like that gave him sanity. Many times I wanted to walk up to him to engage him in conversation but I resisted as this teenager could be violent when his space is violated with my presence. Lesson 3 – I Need Not Go Very Far, So What?!

Lessons need not come from expensive books or wise sages. I found these 3 lessons important to me.

Many times, we do not discard things we do not like. We keep them. An example I cite is relationships. In particular, I refer to MR EX. I did not like him. But I did not dislike him. Many times, I knew in my heart that he is to be discarded, yet the compassion and empathy in believing that he is not like that and can be changed. Sadly, I kid myself. I ended up hoarding him and keeping him as baggage. This was not at all good.

Sharing is Giving is heavily applicable to the way I treat my siblings. I give with my heart, without thinking twice. They may not be as generous as I, but I cannot be bothered. If I can afford to share, I will give. If it touches them, so be it but if they behave like beasts of nature, it is my karma.

My final lesson on So What If I do Not Go Very Far is heavily applicable at this stage in my life. Who cares if I am not a rich fella or working in a cushy job with the best of pay cheques.

I may not necessarily be happy. I rather not go very far, preserve my sanity, spend less and be happier.

Which brings me to Garfied, my inanimate furball and why I treasure this raggedly soft toy. When I was about 8 years old I think, I remembered (*a rare remembrance as anesthesia did not wipe this one out as I remember it whenever I hug Garfield) that I had a stripey tiger. It was not Tigger nor any fancy character but a cheap plain stuffed toy that mum gave me.

I remember hugging this fella every night to sleep and he became raggedly. One day, his greenish yellow glass eye dropped off. He was one officially “One Eye Jack” but still I hugged him to bits.

One day I returned home from school and found him missing from my bed. Mum had thrown him out as she was afraid it was a health hazard to me. I was deeply saddened by it.

Old people should not be thrown out like yesterday’s garbage after one has served its usefulness. That person’s contributions must be appreciated and remembered.

But faulty equipment and or broken things that are beyond repair should be discarded, otherwise, we are accused of being hoarders!

Don’t you agree? Do you have valuable lessons to share with me too?

24 Comments »

Hard To Let Go

I find that in life, the hardest thing is to let go of things. Letting go is easier said than done.

It could mean dying and not wanting to leave behind loved ones.

It could mean leaving a loveless or loving relationship. This takes great courage regardless of reasons, rationale or otherwise.

It boils down to regrets.

I don’t wish to leave with regrets and do strive towards doing things to the best of my ability, trying my best never to harm, hurt or cause pain and suffering.

It is difficult as I am an imperfect person. I may unknowingly hurt or cause pain and suffering to others.

I do admit that I often deliberately inflict guilt onto especially those without a conscience.

Sadly, these buggers do not seem affected by it! Hmmm…as if I could be a genie and walk them through their lack of conscience!!

Good news for me is that my dear Mr Architect who moved to Beijing is coming home for 3 weeks.

I do miss his sharing of architectural designs and views of this or that new building or yak about Corbu or Borromini’s walls!

My hacking cough is lighter after I started Cravits 750mg. 6 more days to go.

I also inhale Seretide at night to sleep better.

Danzen helps me too.

Ah well, Monday I will get my lungs checked by Dr Lui. Maybe he can turn on a Dyson and vaccum my lungs haha!

Meanwhile 3rd Aunt is in a palliative ward. She is stable save for lung infection and will soon need a catheter.

I pray she does not suffer.

I know what it is like to suffer and take meds….sometimes I too, want to give up.

My epitaph could read…

“I lived. I died. I cried. I hurt. I hated…..life of Garfield Hug, definitely not a saint!😝

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Valentine’s Day

Yup…another commercialisation of gift days are on the horizon.

I share what it was like with MR EX.

MR EX started with the 99 rosses and escalate to 199 roses. He soon realised his pocket had a huge hole as roses were jacked up during Valentine’s Day.

MR EX, with his glib tongue, then swore on his heart (*he had none by the way😉), creatively saying that he would make me happy, every single day and not just on Valentine’s Day!

I give him credit for creative lies.

I find it hard that despite the years we were together, I cannot find it in my heart to even remain friends with him.

Regrettably the bullshit he gives is not acceptable anymore as his ethics, principles or morality and selfishness reign supreme.

It is my mindful decision on 23 December 2017 that MR EX can never be a friend as he does not even know how to be one.

Que sera sera!

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3rd Aunt Is Dying Of End Stage Liver Cancer

Some days back I posted a short blog entitled “2 Sisters”

I am now not too emotional to write a bit more as I was really bummed out last Saturday when I saw how my mum and her sister met.

My mum had a fall in late January 2018 and when her elder sister found out, she was distraught. Though she is in end stage liver cancer and ridden with pain, she insisted for her daughter to make a trip to see my mum.

My 3rd aunt lost her husband some 6 months ago and shortly after the death of her husband, she was diagnosed with liver cancer.

3rd Aunt cannot accept the fact that she has liver cancer and her attending oncologist has presented a death sentence of 6 to 8 months!

I hate these “death sentences” as it does nothing really to help anyone, other to remind relatives and self that you have an expiry date.

Still, I have had a neighbor who defied the odds of “6 to 8 months” end stage breast cancer to live on and on – it is now more than 3 years since she was “sentenced”

3rd Aunt’s husband was a gambler, but not a compulsive gambler. He knew when to stop and provide for the family. He never left the family without food. 3rd Aunt has 3 children and growing up years for her was tough. My mum assisted as she knew this elder sister was a housewife and rather timid.

My mum shared that she used to stand up to anyone who bullied this elder sister.

3rd Aunt’s husband loved 3rd Aunt a lot and when she was diagnosed with end stage liver cancer, many shooked their head and said that her husband had wanted her to be with him.

I was really sad to see 3rd Aunt being ferried in a wheelchair and had to be propped up to sit on the sofa. She had 20 minutes to visit as her morphine dosage will wear out.

My cousin shared on entry, the death sentence! I hated it and told her to be positive and that with the right hospice and palliative care, 3rd Aunt can be given the right medical care. For now, they have selves and a newly minted Indonesian domestic helper to care for 3rd Aunt.

I was told that 3rd Aunt refused to be in a hospice and so, I sat and convinced 3rd Aunt that if her pain was not managed, she could not eat. Without food, she will get weaker. This is a vicious cycle and that I wanted her pain free and with the ability to eat.

I spurred her on to live life to the fullest. Do not moan or gripe why me, I said. Be strong and once the pain meds are administered, she will feel better. Also with other patients and visitors, she will be cheered up instead of staying in 4 walls with a foreign helper.

When 3rd Aunt had to leave for home, I saw how tenderly both sisters hugged and cried. Mum cried because, she knew that her sister will not be around for much longer and that this may be the last time she will see her.

I cried because, I could see how much they loved each other. If and when 3rd Aunt passes on, mum will only have one sister left and this sister is not a nice one. She behaves like my own sister and I guess this is where the genes come from.

I pray for 3rd Aunt to live through Chinese New Year so that she can be with her family a little longer and for my mum to feel better to be able to see her again.

I would give years off my life to 3rd Aunt to live a little more, pain free and happy. Afterall, I am single and I do not need many years of my life.

Blessings and good wishes for 3rd Aunt to have a pain free time left with us.

34 Comments »

2 Sisters

2 sisters meet,

1 with end stage liver cancer and ridden with pain, elder of the 2.

The other with old age but armed with a sharp wit.

Crying & hugging,

Both recount their childhood.

Old age sister loves older sister with end stage liver cancer and they swop tales of their hardship.

In 20 minutes, sister with end stage cancer has to leave as her pain will kick in once her morphine wears off.

As Sister with end stage liver cancer is helped up from sofa, both hug and cried uncontrollably.

Sister with end stage cancer had asked her daughter to drive her to see old age sister.

As Sister with end stage liver cancer was wheeled out of door, she said, ” where blood arteries flowed without blockage, there can be true sisterly love!”

I cried.

6 Comments »

And So The Story Goes #76 – Insist, One Word Prompt

5.30pm….I receives a text message from MR EX.

AAARGH!!

MR EX

“Kopi?” (*colloqual Malay to mean time for coffee break)

NOTE1

The moronic MR EX thinks if he insists and acts like nothing happened after our World War 3 war of words just like Kim Jong un and Trump, he better think again.

I ignored him for an hour and then replied.

ME

“1. You are not forgiven.

2. You did not apologise.

3. $0.90 cheapo teh o kosong (*colloqual Malay for tea without sugar) at a cheap food court is just not my style.

4. You think after all the crap you did, it is expunged? Think again. Amnesty International does not apply to you.”

NOTE2

Within an instant his reply is texted back.

MR EX

“Sorry”

“I am in a meeting now. We talk tomorrow”

ME

“I have nothing worth talking to you”

“I don’t wish to be in a loveless or unappreciative relationship that makes me a “gap filler” & all my previous messages has said it all. Until & unless there is, which I doubt, my position is final. Good bye”

NOTE3

There you have it, my insistence to MR EX to go hither, disappear and poof….he is not the only one that can insist! I can better insist, desist and ensure he does not exist! 😉

Yes….I am evil!😝

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So True For My Mr Ex

I am admittedly quite naughty to pop over to Facebook to peek at what rubbishy posts that MR EX posts.

I do this not because I ‘stalk’ him but because I seek new laughs.

If one needs to identify an ‘idol’ or ‘icon’ of sorts to worship, one should just go and buy a stuft toy or pick a stone to worship instead of ‘wahhing’ or ‘oohing’ over the fakeness of his magnamity.

His posts are usually reeking of loyalty, honesty or how generous he has been.

One can see pictures of him amongst the seniors in a home or foreign labor type workers in dormitories. The photo effects feed his ego, nothing more.

I often wonder why he needs to be seen as a saint on a pedestal when in truth he is a devil in disguise and if you look closely, his 2 horns are well hidden and the tail tucked nicely.

I always emphasized empathy, compassion and love to him. From the heart and not from the mouth I used to remind him.

It fell on deaf ears.

Loyalty is extinct to him as he would sell his mum for $1 if required.

MR EX is a typical loner. In fairness, if and when he drops his showmanship antics, a gentle and kind hearted man lies within.

These are rare and few moments as it is often shrouded in lies, hoo hahs and noise.

It seems as if he is almost afraid to be allowed vulnerability. He is guarded at all times with a fixation of accumulating wealth.

Fame, prestige, recognition and social stature is pivotal to him.

He “teaches” loyalty and posts articles on loyalty and conversely of betrayals by his “besties” for backstabbing him in business from behind.

An old staff of his who became my good friend shared how her father was nearing bankruptcy and needed funds fot treatment of cancer.

She put the family home to be sold to get cash. Price valuation by valuers said it was $2.35 million. Offers for the property hovered around that value.

Knowing how generous her boss or my MR EX was in his posts, she approached him to see if he was interested in buying at the valuation price.

She was stunned when he offerd $2 million, take it or leave it. He knew of her dire situation but he wanted to stiff her of $350,000 so that he can reflip and sell the house.

Such is but one story of MR EX.

We both laughed at his loyalty post on Facebook.

She was loyal to her boss, now EX Boss.

He was never loyal to employees or business partners. He is loyal to cash though!

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Obnoxious

I have one word to describe the behavior of my bro-in-law who showed up with Statues yesterday evening – OBNOXIOUS!

If I  had a choice, I would not have gone over to mum’s last evening but I needed to, as I had to clear their errands for the house.

On arrival I saw him and I politely greeted him. He ignored me and went to the kitchen window to face the outside.

He then stomped to the living room area and told my father that ” I do not wish to be in the same room as her”

My father, as usual, did not stand up for me.

The background to this was that I am the Fall Guy because, my asinine bro-in-law, assumes that his ideas for Ikea furnishing for the new house was lampooned out the window my me!

Gee! I was not even a party to that decision and my parents had no gumption to tell him in his face that Ikea is not suitable for Asian cooking style of a kitchen or spot lights.

Being old, they are imbued in Asian style living and wanted bright lights – not the western warm lighting style.

But because I obtained quotes from the 3 parties and my parents decided on one, whatever the designer suggested was based on the likes of my mum.

Kitchen is her domain. Lightings had to be practical and bright as they needed bright lights – for citizens in their late eighties, they cannot tolerate dim lights.

I installed grab bars for their safety. Bro-in-law never put self in their shoes and did not see it in their eyes as seniors who need certain aides for their movement.

Sigh! I felt really hurt and upset. I explained to Statue that whatever I do is in the role of minion. I act according to the instructions of my parents, tailoring to their needs. I cannot impose my likes or views as I respect their choices.

In front of Statue, we went through selection of the roller blinds. Mum insisted on a particular color and the curtain blinds vendor is now on a task of selecting a special mustard yellow that is Mum’s favorite color for her room.

With that, I explained to Statue and Nephew that it is really uncalled for and ruddy rude of her husband and nephew’s dad to behave that way to me.

One cannot impose what one likes to others! Respect the needs and wishes of seniors is my behavior.

I felt really horrid last night after that encounter with the OBNOXIOUS man.

Sometimes, I wonder why my father would never speak up for me…*face palms…I forgot, I am not his favorite daughter!

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