Garfieldhug's Blog

This & That Including What Ails

Daily Worries

I worry about how to care for my parents as they age.

I worry about end times in my parents life span.

I worry about life post “after parents are gone to heavenly realm”

I worry about financials.

I worry about how long more I can physically work given my many surgeries.

I worry about my coming surgery on 27 December 2019.

I worry about my own old age.

I worry about my own mobility issues as I age, given I am single.

I worry if I will have enough finances for my old age.

I worry too much.

I should just live one day at a time and address the nuances as challenges or little hurdles to cross then it comes.

It is a curse to have a brain that actually likes to be mentally prepared for all sorts of scenarios and be the strongest in the family to react decisively.

Automatically, I become the go to guy and problem solver, by default and the one who speaks, naturally bears all cost.

Sigh! What a year end reality check on my life! Blahh!

Garrrrrfieeeeld where are you, I need a hug!


Isolation Or Self Time

Other than the radio that is playing in the background as I work on my laptop to do my blog posts, I am surrounded by silence of human kind.

No noise of any sorts.

No chit chatting in the back ground.

Just Garfield, my inanimate furball left in a heap where I left him. He seems tranquil and serene, with his beady eyes staring back at me.

Have I become isolated?

I prefer to think of it as self time.

Time to recover from each time, I spend an entire day of rushing about to get my parents to their medical appointments.

I get frustrated as I have to yell at the top of my voice as my mum is hearing impaired and she would tell strangers that I shout at her.

To the public, I am an abuser of the elderly as I shout at my mum. Sigh! If only they knew that she will not cooperate and choose to listen when she wants to listen and blare out to the public that I shout at her.

On the other hand, whilst I am looking out for the call numbers on the leder board for their appointment times to be called, Dad will keep asking me what is the number!

What is the point dad? I would hiss back? You keep asking me and you forget. What is the point of telling you when you are of no help to me?

As for mum, she keeps harping on why it is still not her turn to see the doctor?

It is typically a 2 hour wait at the government hospitals to queue and see the doctor, despite an appointed time of say 10am.

Again, I would hiss at mum, be patient and wait your turn!

Then, when it is almost her turn, mum will want to go to the toilet and I will then miss a heartbeat as I must hurry her to the loo and back otherwise, I will miss her turn and rejoin the queue for another 2 hours.

Next is rushing to get their medicines – another queue of an hour at the least and then tell them to sit and wait for me at the seats at the drop off/pick up point as my car is parked quite far away.

Whilst I am trying to dash off to get to the pharmacy, mum insists they have to eat lunch!

Gee…12pm on the dot and the food at the hospital is not as fun as I was planning to take them to a nicer place for their favorite curry fishhead.

Can you not wait till 1pm?

Of course not!

I drop everything and shuffle them to the cafeteria and order them some food.

By the time I picked them up, it was 1pm and on entering the car, mum complained that the food tasted bad! Hrrumph! I told you so mum but you will not listen, so there!

Next was to rush them both to another location for their next doctor’s appointments.

I was hungry and tired and by the time I could sit down and have a bite, it was almost 4pm.

I was famished but wait….I had to order their tea break before I can sit down and shovel food down my gullet.

But by then mum wants me to take her to the store that is selling her favorite biscuits and so, after quickly shovelling food down my throat, I shuffled her off to the store, but not forgetting to remind my dad not to move away from the table and sit quietly there, sipping his teh si and wait for us. I do not need him to be wandering about and getting lost.

Mum ended up buying a lot of things and despite my torn shoulder tendon, I had to painfully lug her purchases back to the food stall where I left dad.

Tired, in pain and pooped out, I cannot say out loud my suffering. Who is to listen at my moans?

I look back at what I endure each time. This is called “parenting” of elderlies and I had to do it as there is no one else for them.

My sister nor brother are not bothered and even if I told them of my physical pain or tiredness, I will not get any sympathy.

I get crabby and snappish at the end of a 10 hours shift with mum and dad and so, today is my self time – my selfish isolation time, far from humans to recuperate and get well.

When I grow old, I will have no one to help me but me, myself and I.

I leave it to what will be, will be.

I will be a lonely old coot with no one to grumble at except Garfield. Hopefully by then Garfield still has enough stuffing to be with me wholesome like.


Sunday Thoughts

Mr Docile is having a lovely time in Barcelona, Spain and shared that he is enjoying the scenery and glorious food!

Typical Singaporeans who travel the world with a discerning palate.

I know he loves good vino as well and am sure he and his family are having an epicurean feast for each meal.

My shoulder is hurting and will continue to hurt till the darn bone spur is removed surgically.

I reflected on friendships and relationships again.

At different stages of my life, I have had friends who showed up again after a lapse of years and or made new ones.

The blessing in all this is that I was never “abandoned” when I needed a friend or help.

However, I do get upset when I approach a person for help and they choose to ignore or the person I “expect” to help me does not offer help.

Is “expectation” wrong?

Can a wife expect a husband for help? Or is it wrong to have expectations?

Can a partner expect the other to be there for each other?

If I made a promise to another and I do not fulfill is, am I, the promisor at fault or the promisee?

Promises (yes sounds like I am in Kindie, like a kid with pinky promises) are not contractual I guess but I do like to keep promises I make.

If I cannot keep a promise then, I would refrain from promising anyone I can do this or that.

I was berated for expecting a promise to be kept.

I was chided that I had “expectations” by the promisor.

I am old fashioned and a romantic at heart.

I give trust and love – would help where I can, to be best of my ability in deeds as I am not of philanthropic net worth to be dishing out millions of dollars!

Someone I know close to 31 years, would always throw something bad at me when I share any sadness or pain in health matters.

“My neck and shoulder is hurting painfully”


“Something bad happened to me. In discussion now with some people after class”

“What happened?”


“Tell you face to face when we meet” – silence ensued.

“Surgeons finally found the cause of my unexplainable shoulder pain. I have a nasty bone spur that is sawing my tendon when I use my arm.


“I have a strange illness and I have to be extra extra careful. Will be going to TTSH to confirm”

I have decided with much heartache that this is not a friend I need or want to keep any longer.

I cannot seek this friend’s help to lug groceries or help me with heavy household items. This friend will never assign or set aside time to help me to get food either as constant claims of terribly busy with alot of appointments in diary.

I often wondered why I cannot be penned in?

But my friend has time to champion eco causes, petition against a sentence passed by a judge for molestation charges and so on….

Would you keep this person who replies you like this?

I would drop this “friend” like a hot potato right?!

Silly me to keep this baggage for 31 years thinking a friendship or a relationship exists.


A Silent Cry

A silent cry I cry,

Tearless no matter how hard I try.

People ask why and pry,

I remain silent no matter how hard they try.

MR EX is trying hard to get back together with me and I have refused.

I told him to let go, to the tune of Disney’s Frozen tune of Let It Go!

Our parting has been acrimonious and he has apologised profusely for his part but I am adamant about parting.

There is no use in keeping this relationship, I told him.

He will not clean up his act and will forever be chasing tons of money, with the notion that more is always better.

Greed is in his veins and this is unhealthy.

He has 2 grown daughters who will not work and he is ok with it. So much for parenting and his marriage that failed.

All I know is hearsay as his words cannot be trusted.

if his marriage is so bad, I told him a long time ago to vote with his feet!

But he is sad to part with the millions amassed by his Bimbo.

His choice I told him to stay in a marriage of wealth. I cannot be bothered as it does not concern me.

I may have turned down his marriage proposal years ago but he chose to marry within 3 months of our breakup and now he compains he made a wrong choice?


Whatever the case, leave it and let it go as I told him squarely on text messaging.

MR EX is an EX – a has been, a once upon a time and never the twain shall we meet!


Omen Or Good Sign…Hmm!

The skies are cloudy and for 9am as I post this, rather dark and cool!

I love the cool environment and not the striking heat that would arise and usually surround me at this time of the morning.

As I read my Straits Times this morning, I pondered on the horoscope for me – ” My amazing mental energy is helping me to absorb all the new data that is coming my way” I gave a big sigh and a Hmm….OMG! What does this mean? A new health battle?

Must I summon General Patton and his troops to help me battle this “new data” hmm…I hope my white coats can help me fathom the furlongs and the whats and hows of life!

I wonder what will it be – diagnosis and prognosis as the white coats like to call it?

Good news is that the prediction says at least I have “amazing mental energy” LOL!

That would be attributed to Garfield, the inanimate furball that is now face down in my suit case packed ready for Bates Motel!

Poor fella…no oxygen for a bit till I am in the room.

What “new data” I pondered?

I will probably live, heck with the worst over in 2013, nothing can beat that!

I know that I am in good hands with Drs James Tan, Lui Hock Foong and Boey Wah Keong. If I should leave for the heavenly realm or hellish flames of Lucifer, I know I left in a classy way! My way, their way or whoever’s way – there is only one way and it is not Stairway to Heaven as it would be tough to walk those steps!

I wonder if the Big Guy up there has renovated and moved with Digital Disruptions – escalators, lift or teleportation you think? “Beam me up Scottie perhaps?” Anyway, I have lost wifi connectivity to his Lordship and that is that!

I had dinner with someone last evening at our usual haunt. He claims his eyes and teeth require soft food. Melodramatic him as always!

As I heard him ramble on and on about his life, I wondered yet again. Why are we as humans made to live such lives?

Are we not in charge of our lives? Can we not be in the driving seat?

Yes and No, I suppose.

Mr Docile has gone with the flow in life and he does not fight it nor does he seek to strive for better. In Maslow’s hierachy of needs’ terms, he has arrived and self actualized without searching for things he knows he cannot achieve. He let out a sigh once and said that he was happy to let his wife earn the big bucks. I admire his new way of thinking. It is good to let down the yoke that was burdening him.

Mr Docile has let go of worldly possessions and lives a quiet life with 2 grown sons (lawyer and banker) and a banker wife. I am happy for him and his friendship. He genuinely cares about my well being and for that I am grateful.

Mr Beer was concerned about me to text and tell me that he was in Hong Kong and that he will only be back on Wednesday. He wanted me to take care. I remember fondly how Mr Beer drove me to Malaysia to meet his parents. Sadly, I did not accept his overtures back then.

I was touched by his kindness to keep me in his thoughts though he is a lot of miles away and he is not my lover nor a frequent friend as compared to MR EX.

When MR EX was in Hong Kong just recently, of course he forgot about me as he was busy holidaying. Such is MR EX and his voluminous empty promises! 😦

Hence Axed like MR EX.

This friend of mine whom I was with last evening is unfortunately one that I care deeply about. It is not necessarily reciprocated and I guess, I too, have given up. Whether he does genuinely care or love me, only he knows as he is not verbose in articulating it nor telling me.

What makes a relationship?

The arguing and bickering?

The niceties, mutual care and concern?

I do not know more than you or the next person for this.

But what I do know is to be true to thyself.

If I believe in someone, I will always look out for that person without need of that person knowing.

It is the waiting…..the caring and wondering how a person is doing.

The small things and or thoughts, care, worries and concern will be on me.

It need not be mutually reciprocated and I have learnt this the hard way. I have given up on human kind for a while now.

I do what I can, when I can and how I can.

As for expectations, I wish the friend I was with last evening will tell me something more concrete and that he does care.

Meanwhile I wait in eternity.


A Product Of Life

We are all products of life.

With life, I set out to make myself economically viable, never a leech on parents, siblings and or on society.

I am one of those who pay income tax diligently and am happy to pay income tax as it means that I am doing okay and not in dire straits.

By paying taxes, I qualify for good credit rating status as the ability to pay taxes allow me to purchase things without IRAS doing unnecessary checks as I live within my means.

I have seen colleagues who over extended selves to borrow from loan sharks and end up in bad situations.

I have seen colleagues put behind bars as they siphoned money out from the company to fuel their love of bling blings and designer togs! Why the lure of such things can get people to steal is a wonder to me.

I do not see merits in carrying a designer bag. Firstly these designer bags are ghastly overpriced and weighs a ton! Ridiculous to me to even think of forking out thousands of dollars to carry a bag that hurts my spine.

Have you tried carrying a Prada leather bag – it is heavy and not very practical.

I am, afterall, stingy LOL!

I will have better use of those thousands of dollars!

I carry or use handbags that are made of cheap and light material as I need to lug around medications, cleaning wipes and all things needed for my parents when I take them out.

I am like their nanny and would use bags that are functional and not fashionable.

I am a product of life that I adapt to.

I use alot of wipes as eating out with parents, I have to ensure their hygiene as mum walks and grabs everything in sight to balance herself as she does not know or want to know how to use a walking stick.

Plus mum is an embarrassment as she will always demand alot of tissues or napkins from the food outlets. More is better for her and she is a firm non believer of saving Gaia.

She is amass loads of plastic bags and I have to tolerate it otherwise, we end up in a shouting match.

How will I turn out when I age?

I am unsure what product of life I will end up to be?

I feel I will end up lonely, dying alone with Garfield and I.


How Will I Die Or Leave The Earthly Realm?

I have always asked self how will I die?

If I had a choice, I would like to die a painless death.

A death that is swift, not sliced and diced like those on autopsy tables but a quick death!

I have been through near death experiences, spending 3 months in Bates Motel with tubes running out of my veins and it was not fun. It was painful and horrid.

What will my legacy be?

Nothing really I feel.

I thought I had or am helping people. I do this and did this with altruistic means but I learnt that people tend to take me for a sucker and made use of me and discarded me like yesterday’s newspapers!

I remember helping a part timer at my first job who had sped on the autobahn in Italy and could not control his car, killing is passenger and 2 other lives in the other car.

I went all out to get him repatriated and safely home to Singapore. In return he bad mouthed me for things I never did to his contacts. He never thanked me for saving him from criminal charges as Italian courts rule a person guilty till proven innocent and he bore no guilt for killing 3 people.

The worst part was before he left for his work stint in Europe, I warned him against speeding as speed thrills but kills and that he was a young driver without the experience.

My utopian wish is for me to be able to leave behind a large legacy to help others.

We are all sufferers of one form of illness or other.

MR EX laughed at me when I said I had an autoimmune disease and said it was nothing, unlike cancer! To him cancer is a real disease and Sjogrens, Lupus or any other disease that is not cancer is not a disease as it does not kill.

Illiterate and ill informed is MR EX when he chooses to be.

I had wanted to bequeath my cadaver for surgical learning. But these days with augmented reality and artificial intelligence, cadavers are dirty and messy. So, I am reduced to a pile of waste that must be incinerated.

My final resting place is in a niche in a columbarium.

These days one can scatter ashes in a landfill or out to sea or onto rose bushes!

I cannot see self in a landfill, suffocated!

I cannot see self everyday riding the waves as I suffer from vertigo!

I cannot see self amongst rose bushes, pricked to bits on a daily basis!

So, how will I die?

Not my choice or choosing. I will need to find someone who is even willing to push the button to incinerate me else I become a rotting pile of waste!


Reflections Of My Week

This week has been a rough one as I have had to deal with a personal relationship that I have now deemed toxic.

It was hard to let go, but given time, I hope I feel less upset and move on.

Much of my mind has been caught up with work, worrying about my impending stay at Bates Motel and the surgical procedure ahead and another possible one (?) which I am unsure about.

It is tough to walk away and try and get self well, when my mind is preoccupied with so many silly stuff that undoubtedly affects me. The first that got axed was Mr EX – no pun intended.

He is staying silent or as he would usually say, “lick his wounds” – there is no sincerity in anything he says or does and it is no “love lost” as they say. But I assure you there was never any “love” on his part.

I suppose he also regrets knowing me, perhaps as much as me regretting knowing him. It would be fair to say that he hates me as much as I hate him or maybe he hates me more, who’s to know.

Life is about disappointments most times, as far as I can remember.

We do not celebrate enough of most joyous occasions, not grand stuff but small little events. I did not celebrate my life in the sense that I should be grateful for being alive.

Life is precious as they say but I do not value my life as so much has happened that I often times wish I would croak so that all the suffering and pain ends.

MR EX would have loved it if I committed suicide as it would make him happy. If ever I did do it, he would have rejoiced in his heart as it got rid of one thorn in his paw. I could picture him celebrating by popping a magnum bottle of Dom Perignon and clinking champagne glasses!

Classmate (CM) is merrily sending me photos of his latest meals and I do envy his zest for zuppo as they say as he only has one love, food! I am happy for him as his life is simply to eat and enjoy good food.

Chicken is doing well and she is most kind to help me keep an eye on my folks when I check into Bates Motel. At least I have comfort in knowing that I do have a friend in her.

Bird is preparing for her exams and I wish her all the best as she lost both her grandma and uncle in one month and she is  swotting to catch up on homework and classes.

Mr Docile has been kind as he is very worried about my health and has offered to take me to the hospital but I do not wish to trouble him as he has a big business to run. Still, I am grateful for his thoughtfulness to set aside time for me.

If it was MR EX, he would have cared less. I did tell him some weeks back that I was due for surgery and he did not even dignify it with a “please take care” – anyway, MR EX never bothered to help me for anything I asked of him. This is, typically him.

Work is busy as the company is doing well and may proceed with REIT ventures. I am happy to be in a company with a Lord that is decent.

Monday, I have another hurdle to jump as the Man On The Chair wants to see me to support why Monkey Lord and Kojack deserves a raise! I will do my best to support these 2 good men.

Life is funny. I do my best and I know my best may never be good enough.

Some will spit at me like MR EX who spat at me and flitted away my time without consideration of it.

Some will not bother to apologize to me for the wrongs they may have done.

Some will feel that I owe them a living.

Some will feel that I should not have such a “good life” and gets upset that I have a “good life” and sees self as having a worst off life when they have the best of the best in life.

As to what defines a “good life”, I am unsure as I do not have a bevy of 2 maids, I do not have a husband, I do not have SGD15 million in banks nor collateral assets of similar amount, or travel the 7 seas and enjoy the high life with anyone.

Ahh well, so long as I know I have done my best and even if it was never appreciated in the first place and I doggedly believed in the good faith of people, then I know I have done my best, by my own standards.

The rest, I leave it to the conscience of those that feel I am evil, bad, wicked and all things bad.

Karma bites and if I have done wrong, then I too will face the consequences of karma.


Affairs Of The Heart

I hate affairs of the heart.

Affairs of the heart takes great spine and gumption to tackle and it is not easy.

I hate 3 people in my life.

These 3 people took a lot of love, time, effort and heartache from me.

2 are relatives and the third person was one that spent a lot of time with as I believed in the relationship I thought we shared.

I cannot be bothered with my relatives as blood does not make me beholden to them nor they to me. Ahh but they will do so when it comes to money!

With relations, it is always about money and who gets more or lesser and why must I get more as an example. No one will be upset with me if I took lesser and they took more. LOL!

The third person is one who hurts me the most. I call this third person, “This Person”

I wish This Person had the spine and gumption to apologize properly instead of “I know I have hurt you. Nothing I can ever do will repay you or have a recourse.”

This person then hides behind a wall of silence after asking me if I will have drinks for an hour in each country of Hong Kong and Malaysia. How dramatically outlandish an approach!

The last I checked, I am not Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman in looks but maybe seen by this person as a whore or his prostitute of choice (*Wrong for me to allude to being this person’s favorite prostitute) and this person is definitely not Richard Gere in wallet but am sure This Person feels he is, with his bowtie and tuxedo!

Ooh This Person loves to hoard the limelight and would grab any opportunity to win awards to show the “world” he subsists in, how rich, powerful and dominant he is.

This Person has a Bimbo & 2 Dogs (1 Dog is Flamboyant [This Person once introduced to the world this Dog is the “Future Prime Minister of Lil Red Dot” but I will not comment what this Flamboyant Dog is today other than Flamboyant Dog is not of that caliber.

Definitely NOT!  Flamboyant Dog was coined because of over indulgence enjoying the wealth of this person] and the other Dog is normal homo sapien) By now, you will know that I am alluding to humans here and not really 4 paws! LOL!

Flamboyant Dog now accompanies This Person like a lap dog and This Person is happily promoting Flamboyant Dog like a movie star!

By now I know that this person will spout whatever is topical of the day and mere words would slide off like water off a Duck’s back.

It is hard to make This Person understand or feel how much This Person may have caused hurt or dashed all possibilities of a good life that could have happened for another.

Friendships or relationships do not mean anything to this person other than Bimbo and 2 Dogs, a.k.a “Precious.”  The rest of world can die, so long as the rest of the world provides This Person with whatever This Person is required to provide for his “precious”

I have tried to makeThis Person know how “hurt” feels. Believe you me, I have tried to make This Person know but This Person takes no ownership of actions they have taken and will make continuous sick jokes about it.

It saddens me as it showed me how callous some people can be.

This Person claims to “care, value and of course wants” me.

I share with you examples of This Person’s “care, value and of course wants” me.

This Person has mocked me on my illnesses and disses auto immune sufferers like me as “unlike Cancer I will not die” – how misguided This Person is, isn’t it?

This Person did not show up when I underwent multiple surgeries or battle with life and death.

This Person has turned me down when I elicited This Person’s help to send me to the hospital when I was ill.

This Person will not put me first for any emergency situations and I have learnt the hard way.

It takes all sorts to make this world I guess.

With people like This Person, I do not need enemies!

I have learnt that this is a toxic relationship and This Person does not deserve a “relationship status” [whether friendship or whatever ship] with me and who knows, This Person may be seeking to exit our “relationship” but did not have the spine or gumption to do so in the first instance and so, decided to deliberately behave as such to invoke me to vote with my feet!

Silly of him – all he had to say was “please get lost” and I would have known!

I need a hug….Gaaaarrrrfffield…where are you?


Mid Afternoon Soliloquy

There are days when I feel as if I am swamped with so much work that it requires me to breathe deeply.

This is exacerbated by the fact that the battling of MR EX still continues as a part of me wants him to realize the harm he has inflicted on me with his nonsensical mudslinging.

Apologies are hard and I fully recognize that but what I totally did not accept was his way of promising ad nasueam and to me, this is a valuable lesson for him to learn and stop doing, unless he meant it with his heart.

Perhaps I am old fashioned whereby to me, what I promised must be achieved and if I cannot achieve it, I must make it known to the party I made that promise to.

It is called managing expectations and not some fancy methodology of buying time and thinking that niceties will buy me a longer relationship with anyone.

The biggest flaw, to my own observation and interactions, of MR EX is that he over promises and under delivers or delivers when he feels that it is required to enhance relations for financial gains or benefit.

Yes, friends with benefits are important to those who cultivate friendships for exactly those purposes.

I was telling self that these days, the true friendship statuses are rather extinct and it is hard to really find good friends.

I looked back at Kindergarten and when in primary school – those were the best days as we were all innocent and really behaved as friends to one another. I have 1 or 2 friends left from those days as many of my cohort have emigrated and or lost touch.

I also lost contact with them as I changed schools and in those days, it was hard to keep in touch as no social media.

MR EX is now thinking of “wooing” back this “friendship” by aweing me with a flight to 2 different countries for an hour of drinks at each country destination.

He thinks it will work.

I know it will not work.

For one, I would not accede to his request unless I see merits in him wanting to change and that this mattered to him to make amends.

But it proves my point that for one in the “shit hole and working butt(s) off” and not forgetting in a mountain of “debt” – I wonder how he is going to pull this off?

I am intrigued.

The plot thickens.

More fodder for posts!

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