Garfieldhug's Blog

This & That Including What Ails

Are Memories Worth Recalling Or Keeping?

I do not have a lot of memories and whatever I have or gained in the years post surgeries are not worth remembering is how I feel.

You might ask me – WHY?

Memories to me are the past and I do not wish to relive the past as there is really nothing much to relive and remember pain, suffering and how things did not turn out the way I had hoped for.

I tend to live in the now and the present as what good can memories do to help me?

To remember how I trusted the wrong people? Remind myself for being silly thinking that knowing a person since childhood or as a young adult is knowing that person truly?

To remember bosses from hell? Not worth it!

To remember siblings for not caring? I don’t need to suffer the anguish and expectations of having a sibling in name despite same blood that course veins.

I am not being dark or ungrateful if you think I am.

What is the purpose of memories? Some say it is to relive the good moments. Hmm…I don’t have a lot of those and to me, a good moment is watching a nice soapie or a nice dinner with a person in the here and now and walk away.

I am glad that anaesthesia wiped away a lot of my memories – both good and bad.

The trouble is that being human, I have expectations and this is so wrong.

There is nothing in the manual (if there is such a manual) that siblings are expected to care for each other or for their parents.

There is nothing in that same manual to say that relationships between man and woman are expected to be served in a certain manner.

MR EX is a good example. He purports to care for the world and family but in all the decades I have known him, I was never in his totem pole of care unless I was needed to be a rainmaker or to do something of use to him.

Lords of work places will value me for the service I provide and nothing more. I am obliged to serve my sentence as I am paid. I cannot expect thanks and or appreciation as I am a paid minion. It is also wrong to think that relationships or friendships can be built especially in organisations with more than 300 minions.

I must learn to walk away from siblings thinking they owe me due care or that they owe due care to our parents. I really cannot expect that and it is wrong of me to do so.

Life then gets to be less painful as no expectations and if things are done in a surprising manner, wouldn’t that lift my spirits!

I am silly I know but this is my coping mechanism to continue in my journey of life and pooh pooh away the thought of having or storing memories.

Live spartanly, lesser baggage and life gets better all round I feel.

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Some Thoughts On Life For 2021

Rule #1

I need not let others dominate my life by letting them make me angry, sad or helpless.

I can think of a few people who constantly do this to me but some of them, I cannot omit but must strive to learn to draw boundaries.

Snoopy’s wisdom ring true as I hardly reward myself with anything. My life has been thus far, a life without choices as I take up the slack that no one wants to take ownership for. But can I really turn my back on my selfish family who hides behind the excuse that I don’t live in lil red dot and so, their elderly parents are not their concerns nor responsibilities?

What would I do without starter fluids every morning?

That bitter coffee roast flowing through my gullet and signalling the bag of bones that it is another gruelling day ahead for me.

I do not know what makes me tick! All I know is that, I get up, I face more responsibilities.

I want a care free life.

I yearn for a life with minimal responsibilities and not living my life for others.

I want to be able to do what’s best for me and not always putting others first. I guess I am tired, drained from all the responsibilities and wish to remove the yoke and wake up to carefree days.

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It Is So Silly When….

It is so silly when I think that I have one pineapple tart, I will stop at just that ONE piece!

It is so silly when I think that I cannot rely on others for help but instead I get Neighbor doing great meals for me on a daily basis.

It is so silly when I think that MR EX “loved” me when in fact all he wanted was to “USE” me.

It is so silly when I think that if only Garfield, my inanimate furball can pick cottony self up and walk and talk to me.

It is so silly when I think that I am smart, when actually I am not!

It is so silly when I hear my elderly mum curse self for not dying as it saddens me.

It is so silly when I see people wasting their life and not striving to be better, although I know it is none of my business.

It is so silly when I think back of all the stupid things I have done in the name of “helping” – some people did not ask for help or need it.

It is so silly when I see self as a decrepit old fool in my ending years as I wonder how will I exit?

Enter the world,

Exit the world,

In tears of joy and tears of sorrow. Still, tears!

I want to exit the world with laughs. Now that is being different….but it is silly of me isn’t it to think this way?

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Saturday Think Thoughts

I do have a serious side. But this serious side is the one that I take to work or doing community work.

My loony, crazy side appears in my blog posts or when I feel the need to break out and overcome stress.

Covid-19 has been talking about new normal, people struggling with mental wellness whilst working from home etc.

As a person who manages humans, before Covid-19, Lords wanted all humans in the office. To see minions is to know they are “working” – but I am aware of “present absenteeism.”

Humans are a wily lot and if given a chance to get the better of others, they will and the humans I have are capable of surfing the internet, pretending to look busy but actually googling or doing things on social media. Hey this is human nature!

When working from home, they have to divide selves to attend to family needs as well as work conference calls – 2 new terms; Microsoft Teams call or Zoom calls.

There is no luxury of spacing out and doing things in your own zone.

This is the struggle of mental wellness I feel.

I am happy to work from home as I do not get distracted from silly walk in humans to grumble about this or that or just to shoot the breeze. But the working hours are very long as I start at 7am and do not finish till I fall asleep as apps messaging and emails continue with the technology we have.

Productivity increases for me and I can use my time to do laundry or chores, before and after work from my home desk without loss of travel time.

I do not need the noise of office. But on the reverse, Ms Feisty needs the noise and chit chats as she cannot work from home. The isolation bugs her and she is in her zone to be in the office to get things done. I am ok with that and with split team arrangements, I then stay home.

Many that I spoke with, alluded this to the “plague” and the more religious will try and share with me, that this is a sign from the heavenly realm for us to behave and improve selves. Almost like a doomsday call.

I fail in the arena of religion as I am a methodical, think thought person. I look for the science of things instead of the blind faith. I questioned religion alot in my earlier posts as I was sliced and diced so much that left me without a proper explanation.

If I used religion it would be “God is punishing me. I must have been a bad person”

Or, “God is making you suffer like he suffered” – but I know I am not saint material and canonisation is not anywhere near on my list.

When I could not get answers from the priests of my faith, I voted with my feet and left all piousness behind.

I live by conscience. I behave and do nothing that is untoward to humans. But I am honest to say that I will give it back as hard as those who slam me or try to put me down. So far, only my siblings have been the most unkind lot to me and I avoid them. Lately the “brother” (blood ties only) is behaving thuggish and honestly, I have no time for his nonsense. They are the ones that drive me to use the “F” word when talking to them as they are an unkind, horrible lot.

How do I find resolve for my bucket load of medical issues?

if I use religion, “God has helped by making each surgery a success” – this is a positive approach

“God sent the right white coats my way” – but I interview, do due diligence and test the White Coats before I entrust them to slice and dice me

“God did not give me a terminal disease” – a swifter death would be better I feel.

There are a lot of reasons that the mind or brain can conjure to appease the enquiring mind.

I prefer to say that the outcomes are the outcomes I have based on intelligence, mindfulness and demeanour to resolve things, coupled with the MOST important ingredient “LUCK”

I believe in LUCK and without it, I don’t believe that things would be as they are for me today.

I also believe that that are many good deities out there who have helped me, alongside God. What God cannot do, others helped.

This is my simplistic think thought.

It is to me, to be loony, zany than 100% responsible, serious and carrying the weight of the world on my poor shoulders. I have been carrying heavy loads and I don’t like but I cannot offload.

So, as a release valve, I stay loony at times when I need.

This way, there is sanity in insanity.

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All Too Quickly, Almost Thursday

My day flies by at break neck speed, jam packed with back to back meetings, paperwork and loads of requests from humans.

Good news is that Mr Nice’s father is doing better and may be snatched back to the life of the living. I am happy for him as he wants to spend Chinese New Year with his father.

When I see how fragile life is, I teared when I thought of how, I too, will one day lose my parents to old age.

I thought of how I would always get my mum and dad an ice cream popsicle each whilst I top up gas at the gas station. They would sit and wait in the car as I would zip out to the cashier and pick out a durian flavored one for mum and a coconut mango one for dad.

I know they each enjoy slurping off this ice cream stick and it is fun seeing them enjoy it.

Other times pre covid, I would be free after work at ungodly hours and take them to Changi Airport’s 24 hour eateries for their cuppa tea or coffee with kaya toast ( coconut jam) at Yakun’s or have an Apam (Indian pancake).

My mum is always a good sport to go as she likes spending time with me. No matter how late, we would venture into the night and I would take them home by 2am.

Life is about memories of the lives gone past us.

I feel sad that lives are reduced to memories only.

When it is my time to exit the world’s stage of life, there will be be one to bid me farewell nor buy me ice cream popsicles. I guess I will be a caustic, sarcastic but humorous inmate at a nursing home, driving my ward charges nuts!

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Sunday Thoughts…Silly Maybe But It Can Be Sensible

Mr Nice’s father is critically ill. Lungs water filled, oxygen level low and the doctor told Mr Nice that his father is only for palliative care.

Mr Nice decided against the ventilator for his father and his extended family are praying for a swift passing, instead of a labored, long drawn one.

It sounds morbid but if the stricken is me, I too, want a swift death.

I have experienced a 3 month stay on my back fighting for my life before. I did not like it. Tubes everywhere and my veins collapsing and requiring new pokes into the vein to have an IV in me to live.

Silly to pray for death but truly sensible are my thoughts.

Life reminds us of our mortality.

At 92 years old, Mr Nice’s father had lived a successful business life. He set up the thriving business for Mr Nice and gave him financial security.

They made a name for selves in lil red dot.

I feel for Mr Nice as in the last 6 months, he lost his sister to Cancer, Mum to Cancer and now his father in the last lap of life.

Each time I go through this as a friend with a dying relative, I am awaken to know that I will need to go through this for my elderly parents.

There is no avoidance.

Laugh I must and to keep the jollies going for Mr Nice.

Here’s Garfield…

Monday awaits and my prayers are with Mr Nice and his family through this difficult time and that his father does not suffer a lingering death.

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Some Laughs To End My Monday Night

I am glad my Monday ends in under 12 hours to midnight Tuesday morn.

Today was stressful, with family drama. I wish I don’t have all animosity with my siblings who do not understand the stressors I face being the sole caregiver to 2 elderlies with challenges in mobility, dementia and hearing impairment.

I told one sibling off. If after our parents are dead and buried, and they don’t wish to connect as siblings, I am fine with it too.

Afterall, neither sibling has ever been kind or generous with their care about my well being.

Geeze…they are never around and so, I don’t see any major difference to this fake sibling relationship. Afterall they are never around for their parents, I would not dare fathom a thought that they would care for a sibling, totem pole notches down their supreme parents.🙄

I really hate them. Sorry I am lashing out as I am tired and burnt out from taking care of my parents without let up from job responsibilities nor giving self any choices of doing anything I like.

It has just been a lousy Monday and I do not see any let up.

I sometimes wish that I am better dead than alive as I am living as a zombie doing things for others who selfishly just take, leaving me without choices in life…..such are my family members.

It just tires me out as I want it to end. Or if they want my life to end, I am fine with it too.

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Rainy Sunday, Rainy Thoughts Of Mortality

The rains have not stopped since Saturday and I am enjoying the cool temperatures of 24C. From usual balmy muggy 33C and 34C, I am happy as I can curl up under the covers, with my inanimate furball Garfield for warmth, in my little aircon room with temperature set at 22C.

I like the cold and will dread sleeping without the air conditioner as I am one that needs the cold to thrive.

Last night, it was reported that a 24 year old Boeing 737 crashed in Indonesia. Indonesian Sriwijaya Air plane crashed after take-off with 62 aboard from Jakarta. It is just too sad. I have enclosed the link if you want to read more about it. Doubtful for survivors if any as it crashed into the sea. Mystery behind it was that it veered off course and the next thing we read is that, it crashed.

https://www.channelnewsasia.com/news/asia/sriwijaya-air-indonesia-plane-lost-contact-jakarta-pontianak-13926896

I heard more bad news that Mr Nice’s father was admitted into ICU as his father’s platelet count was dangerously low. Mr Nice’s father suffered a stroke early last year and is now, incapacitated in bed. I sincerely hope that his father has continued quality of life and not suffer too much. In his heart, I am sure Mr Nice is mentally prepared that his father may not last very long.

I sincerely hope at least his father recovers to spend Chinese New Year with his family.

Life is fragile and these events constantly remind me of mortality of each human. My parents are old too and I am mentally preparing self for the day when they no longer can be with me and how will I manage the closure, giving them a final curtain call.

It is often said that those suffering is easier to bid farewell too whilst sudden death is hardest as there is no closure. I live each of my day ensuring that there is closure between me and my parents. Morbid? Nah, I believe in being candid and I have trained my parents well so that we have no regrets either way.

I could go first, before them but either way, I want to ensure transparency and doing to the best of my ability.

My only regret is that I will leave my inanimate furball Garfield behind as I have not decided if I should cremate the bugger with me or he is left intact to be interred with me in my niche. It is a 2 roomer, so there is space for him. Seems like a shame to “kill” him – I should let him live as he has that right!

Aaah well, I better find some laughs as the wet weather has dampened my spirits and I just finished computing my income taxes. Not a happy camper now! LOL!

Till my next post ——laughter will resume.

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Catching Up On Things

Finally I have caught up on reading blog posts of people I have followed. Sorry if I have been late as I have been busy, not from festivities but actually from work and personal matters.

I often ask self, why is life so hectic?

Surely there must be more to life than bills, work, chores, doing things that need to be done instead of doing things I like.

I was reflecting on university days. Life was so simple back then – assignments, tests, dead week and finals. Then it was laundry, getting groceries and daily meals.

My only worry was dead week and finals!

Now with work, it is unending projects, people management, decisions on wage increments, making a case for hiring, salary benchmarking and all sorts of silly nonsense that revolves around humans. Conflict management often conjure up images of me putting them in the boxing ring and letting them box it out or I beat them up till they see the light of day! *This is only in my figment of imagination, I am not violent in nature, just a fan of boxing and watching too many action movies!* But hey, in the army, they resolve conflict this way amongst mates.

Yes, humans create the most issues. Androids only get low battery and does what is programmed to be done, unless cyber hacked. Then it could go berserk!

It boils down to human emotions – yes, us humans are emotive and with it, comes anger, frustrations, expectations and before one knows it, it is the process of LIFE!

I am unafraid to say that I do get angry easily, especially when managing imbeciles or people whom I know are toxic and out to hurt or harm me emotionally. I can literally slam lemon pies at MR EX for his greed for wealth and lack of human empathy or compassion. He only gives empathy when his image can be splashed on marketing collaterals to put him on a pedestal of Godliness!

I try to see the good in people. But it is hard when I see them do a 365 degree spin without remorse.

Is life about getting to know the Joneses, rubbing shoulders with who’s who to get ahead, the chase for the wealth that one wishes to gain, to win, to be a leader of the pack?

I read in the papers this morning about how a local trio of brothers, led by eldest who dropped out of school at age 15 to be a hawker. Today, he and his 2 brothers, own Fei Shiong Food Empire worth SGD150 million.

Who says, one needs an education to get ahead? But then again, how many will have the street smarts to do this and or luck to carry it through to achieve this?

The other one I see making good is Sheng Siong Supermarket, whereby the founder started out as a pork seller at the wet market and turned his business into a business that is now public listed and worth millions. He too, did not have a degree from Harvard or Oxford or Yale!

So, is education important? It is to me for the basics ie the ability to read, write and understand contracts or to achieve life’s daily needs. No need to aspire to get degrees, or even a master’s or a doctorate!

A doctorate is important for those who wishes to excel in research or be a college professor. Otherwise, the focus on basic education say 12 years plus continuous learning of skills set is to me, more lucrative and effective in the working life.

The world is so short of electricians, plumbers and tradesmen. A generation of gamers, pen holders and little street smartness dominates the population and I am beginning to see lawyers giving up their jobs to be hawkers and sell baked goods, pasta etc.

I have had a life of challenges. I am not an entrepreneur and went to college, to strive for the degree. I had to fight with family to get funding for my education when compared to my eldest sibling who took it with ease but later decided to be a home maker. What a waste of good finances and I always ask the question, if she was disinterested in studies and refused to work, why study in the first place and instead would have the basic education to get by in life. Anyway, zero economic returns to the investment my parents made for her education.

Yes, life is tough.

It is so tough that I decide to languish in my silly child like behaviour to hug inanimate furballs and adapt to the challenges of a working life and fight medical ailments.

I have no time to feel sorry for self as life goes on, no one is going to give me a handout and clearly, my family of siblings will not be there for me if I need it. Heavens forbid if ever I need help that I need to call on them. They do not make selves available for their own parents, and so I must be realistic that I am even further down the totem pole of relationships food chain.

2021 – I am none the wiser, none the richer but having 6 new inanimate Garfield furballs to the family!

Yes, I can be a loon too.

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Enjoying My Neighbor’s Cooking – One Month & Counting…..

Neighbor lives several floors down in my pigeon hole block. She usually parks her car next to mine in the basement carpark and often I would bid her good morning or good evening. That was all.

In the little snippets of interactions we have had over the years, it was “oh you just got home and how are you?” or “just got home?” from me and her replies would be usually, “just finished social work” or “going to class” or “yes, just finished doing marketing”

A month ago, when I bumped into her, she saw me with both hands in braces for my painful swollen hands and she asked how was I coping and I told her painful especially when doing chores or getting meals done.

Without thinking, she immediately said that she would share food with me. It would not be an issue for her and she is not looking to be paid for it. I was hesitant as something to receive and not reciprocate worried me. I tried telling her that I would be happy to pay her for her time, trouble and cost of the food.

She refused. Before I know it, I would get daily dinners sent up to me, piping hot and delicious too.

Neighbors roast beef salad served with light olive oil and chunks of cut fresh apples. I added tiny tangerine wedges with it and it gave me the tanginess I liked. I do not usually take beef as it is sometimes too “gamey” for me but the way she treated the roast, it came out perfectly tasty. The plate I used is one that I exchanged after getting supermarket bonus points!
Another dish Neighbor sent up to me was “fish chowder” – again, I do not usually take creams and salmon but to waste her efforts, I tried it and it was acceptable and the salmon was not too bad. I do not like eating salmon as fish meat to me is usually white in color and the pinkish colors does not entice me to buy it on my own as I do not know how to manage cooking salmon.
Neighbor cooked this for me on New Year 2021 Day Lunch ! I loved this dish as it came with piquant Nasi Lemak Rice (rice cooked in coconut milk) with slivers of roast belly pork, organic buckwheat tempeh (soy based food but she substituted it by using buckwheat) and stir fired “Kai Lan”. I loved this dish as it was really delicious. Maybe it was because I am a pork fan!
For New Year’s Day dinner, Neighbor cooked fish curry made with yoghurt and not the usual coconut milk for good heart health and served with below image of Basmati rice with a side of beans & cashews.
This was the steak dinner Neighbor cooked for me for Christmas Day complete with the right doneness for the steak.

Yes, I am blessed with Neighbor’s generosity and time to prepare each meal with thought, creativity and plating techniques. In return, I got her small presents and sharing of fruits, cookies and snacks.

It was the least I could do to thank her for preparing each meal for me on a daily basis with minimal kitchen closure days on weekends when she has to attend to her grandsons, ages 2 and 4 months old.

Her kindness reminded me on the old adage of giving is better than receiving and I do thank the heavenly realm for sending me this lovely gift.

I can only continue to keep her in my thoughts and wish her the best of health and constant happiness she derives in sharing food and her cooking with me. For a lady in her late 60s, she looks young and happy – I would like for her to continue to enjoy youthful thinking, good health and happiness always.

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