It is one of those days that I would lapse into a mind whirl of wondering and pondering of today’s world.
I reflected back on the last few weeks of happenings around me.
Mr Kind’s mother passed away and he seems to be in a rut over it, grieving and coiled into his own world. He and his late mother were closed and he was his mother’s favorite. I saw the photo he sent me of him at age 4 with his parents celebrating that birthday.
I looked inward to self and wondered how would I deal with my own parents mortality when the time came. Would I crumple into a heap? Would I be paralysed by grief?
I cannot do the above as there is no one else but me. My siblings will not bother. They have made it clear that should my parents passed, just handle everything myself and not bother them. BUT, I must have them at the reading of the will and distribute whatever is willed to them.
Sigh. Living is about money. Dying is about money too. For the life of me, I cannot fathom how anyone can be consciously not conflicted when they pocket money from inheritance but not put in the time to manage the declining years of their loved ones?
Who am I to judge right? I am, afterall the world’s biggest bitch who would really tick them off for their lack of care and love – their sorry excuse is we do not live in lil red dot and now with Covid-19, all the more we will not be visiting as we refuse to pay for the quarantine or serve the time.
What is time and money to see loved ones?
I am keyed wrongly.
I think differently.
I am not a perfect person and I own up to the title of “world’s biggest bitch” most times!
I also saw how selfishly Orange Man took off his mask, defiling all etiology of the Covid-19 disease. How come?
How is he able to “beat” the odds of Covid despite being in the high risk group of higher BMI and age?
Is the Presidency campaign trail worth infecting more people to him?
Then I ask self – is he not ‘woke’ – new slang for being aware of social causes. Soon ‘woke’ will be included in the world of dictionaries.
The English language these days has evolved so much that the Queen’s English, as they say, would kill the stoic users of English.
Shakespeare must have also turned over in his grave when his brand of bard’s English evolved to the Queen’s English and so forth.
Mr Kind texted me that he is “lost”and feel that the death of his mother is “surreal” as he is numbed without feelings.
I could understand him as Mr Kind is a sensitive and kind man. He may be a man but he does things for family that usually the female does. I should not stereo type here but in Lil Red Dot, rarely do we see persons of his era taking the trouble to do wet marketing for his own nucleus family as well as for his parents.
He cooks, plans the menu and took care of the children. His wife is lucky in that she focuses on her job and ignores meals, marketing, taking care of children or household chores.
Mr Kind’s marriage almost broke down some years ago as he could not stomach the laziness of his wife. I could tell back then as clothes worn by the missus were strewn where discarded only to be picked up by Mr Kind or the domestic helper.
Missus is very lucky in that she is treated as a Queen.
I knew that Mr Kind is strongly bonded with his parents. He is feeling the loss in an unfathomable way as he is not grieving. I feel he will when the funeral is over today and he can have a good bawl in his own personal space.
Further, his father just had a stroke this year and he has not told him that Mother passed away. He is afraid that his father will not be able to take the shock and may also be worst off.
I do not know how to face this when it is my turn to bury my parents. All I hope is that it will not be a long drawn suffering painful journey for them. I hope when the time comes, to depart from earthly realm in as fast as possible, sans pain and suffering.
In my own mind, I have been shortlisting funeral directors. It will be simple as I do not have the bandwidth for long wakes. It should be the same day funeral if crematorium slots are available or next available working day.
I need not splurge on a casket or coffin that costs thousands of dollars as it will be burnt. A simple affair for my parents as I believe if I have treated them well during their living years, it is good enough.
Doing things for the dead appeases the conscience and guilt of the living relatives are my views. I need not do this show for anyone, as there is no one to impress. I need not do it.
All I want is a dignified exit and a fuss free exit.
I have been open to speak to my mum about it and she agrees. She knows that I have no support from my siblings and that I will be taxed heavily to do everything on my own.
I hope to elicit the help of good friends during the funeral as I too, will be numbed and feel the impact of loss long after.
I may want to choose to celebrate their lives and not mourn their deaths as during their living years, I have been at their beck and call and did everything I could have done.
No hoopla, no party like atmosphere, just a private and quiet exit.
About more than a week ago, Mr Kind texted me to share that his mum had a bad cold and fever.
Tests later showed that her lungs were fluid filled and that she was diagnosed with late stage lung cancer.
Whilst the fluids could be drained, it kept his mum very unwell.
Sadly, this afternoon, his mum passed away peacefully, surrounded by loved ones.
Mr Kind is a filial son and as the eldest son, he takes on the role of cooking for his parents and siblings on weekends.
Besides being a successful business man, he balances his own famiy’s needs, extended family’s needs and helping people.
I am one friend whom he checks in daily with and this recent hospitalization of mine, I fully understood that his hands were full attending to his late mum’s needs.
I am really sad for Mr Kind as it is hard to lose a family member. But I comforted Mr Kind by explaining that his mum did not suffer from the ravages of lung cancer. I shared with him how my good friend, Ms Holy Holy’s mum suffered a long drawn death before succumbing to lung cancer years later.
In Mr Kind’s case, his mum did not die from lung cancer per se but due to fluid filled lungs.
She did not suffer much but has been treated for dementia, which made her sometimes, aggressive.
Based on local tradition, wakes are held for 1, 3, 5 or 7 days.
Mr Kind is now busy with funeral arrangements and I hope he will not fall ill himself post funeral from all the stress he went through and will go through till the completion of funeral rites.
A rose for Mr Kind’s Late Mum, honoring her life and giving life to Mr Kind.
After father’s death, son decided to leave his mother at a old age home. Son used to visit her sometimes.
One day he received a phone call from old age home. On other side of call was his mother. In very serious tone she said, “Please come to visit..”
Son went and saw that condition of his mother was very critical.
He sat close to her mother and said, “Mom what can i do for you?”
Mother replied, “Please install fans in old age home as there are no fan here. Also, put a fridge for betterment of food because many time i had to sleep without food.”
Son was surprised to listen to this and questioned, “Mom while you were here you never complained and now when you have only few hours left why are telling me all this??”
Mother replied, “Son, i managed with heat and hunger and pain but when you get old and your children send you here in old age home. I am afraid you will not be able to manage..”
Moral: Our parents love us and they Never stop Caring about us even if We don’t care enough about them because They love us Unconditionally and we Never realize that till we have them.
I am one of those that would flip through the newspapers and stop to read the obituaries as well. I have this morbid fear that I will not know if I have expired and so, the daily checking will act as telling my wandering soul in case it forgets, that I am a goner! LOL!
I am not afraid about my own death, but I do dread the loss of a loved one. I know I remind self that we are all not immortals and hence this is why, I am happy with my inanimate pet furball Garfield as he will not expire. He will vanish only if I left him somewhere and or lose him literally.
As I read through the obituaries, I pause to think over the penned lines of tributes to the decease.
One particularly nice one was when it said in print that a matriarch passed at age 86 surrounded by loved ones. I felt the warmth.
It must be grand to die surrounded by loved ones.
Sigh, I dare not think as if I will be surrounded by loved ones as I have none. What I do have are inanimate furballs.
I guess I will die surrounded by nurses and doctors and hey, they are my friends.
Death, no matter how one prepares for it as the inevitable is never welcomed.
Mr Kind shared with me some months back that his eldest sister was in end stage cancer and that she was in hospital. The sad part was that because of Covid-19 outbreak, her sister was denied visitors.
This situation, did not allow Mr Kind and other relatives to visit her.
Mr Kind is very close with family members and it hit him hard when she passed.
In a way, he felt relieved too as cancer took a toll on his late sister as pain ravaged her.
I do not know how to comfort Mr Kind, other than to offer condolences and let him grieve.
Even sadder was that he could not inform his parents that their eldest child had passed. His father was recovering from a stroke and it may hit his father hard and cause his health to deteriorate.
How Odie and Garfield send selfies to each other. I love the unique love they have for each other. Garfield shows tough love whereas Odie is his old slobbering and innocent naive self in showing Garfield unconditional love.
Life at any age is fragile and precious to loved ones..
Regardless of human form or animal form, a life is a life and when they pass, it hurts.
I know, I lost my pet dobermann, Gretchen, in 1989 whilst I was working in the land of the Fragrant Harbor.
I remember returning to lil red dot at past midnight, seeing her blind and crippled from heart worm disease but wagging her bob tail on hearing my voice. I spent 10 minutes stroking her head and telling her I was home.
The next morning, I found her body in rigor mortis. She must have passed after I spoke to her and retired to bed as I was unwell, with bronchitis.
Mr Kind texted me last evening to share that his father (90 years old +) woke up from bed, fell and had a stroke. He did not tell me anything about it till 48 hours later, when his dad was stabilised.
He continued to send me daily memes for those 2 days and acted as if nothing was wrong.
I felt bad as during that last Thursday, I was still talking shop to him and he did not cut me off on text. His kind demeanour continued to let me ramble on.
I apologised for my insensitivity as I could have been more reserved in chatty chats given his mind on his father, overcoming the sudden stroke.
When one is at such an old age, do we celebrate life or mourn death?
I too have aged parents and often wondered – my conundrum, celebrate their lives or mourn their deaths?
I took my mum and dad for our usual weekly dinner.
I felt bad that I am unable to do more often on account of work as well as my swollen foot.
Getting up at 4am or 5am. Being at the office at 6am so as to go home by 6pm and get ready for the rigorous cycle the next day is my norm.
Each time I take mum and dad out, I am only able to put head to pillow by 12.30am and this takes a huge toll on my spine as I get tired out.
So when mum started her whining on her “bad life thus far” I lashed out at her.
She has no debts. She has money compared to the homeless. She can afford to eat whatever she chooses and declines whatever she did not like eating. There is no banker waiting to repossess her home due to unpaid mortgages is another example of how lucky she to be financially able.
Basic needs are there for her and she is fairly well for a woman of her age.
I reasoned with her. The homeless have no choice in lodging or food choices.
Since young, I have had orthopaedic issues with my spine and am living in much pain on a daily basis.
When she moaned about no one helping her, I rebutted. It is her choice not to have a live in helper. It is not the case where she cannot afford one, but a mindful choice of not wanting one.
As to why none of her other children bother to care about her, I ticked her off too. She did not wish to speak up and I have been the bad guy, going after my 2 other siblings to remember their parents.
My parents continuously make excuses for the other 2 urchins to console self that they are busy, live overseas (out of sight, out of mind philosophy) and have their own lives. Thank God, I am not a mother as I will never kotow to this mentality. Filial piety must be guided and taught.
Perhaps on knowing my 2 siblings, I felt that children should not be born as they will only grow up selfish and unappreciative of parents.
None of my other 2 siblings were victims of financial budgets. Only this black sheep was. But I feel it is to my advantage as it taught me hardship and the ability to work hard for my own money.
Alas, I am the one that is direct and obtuse.
When each of them wanted to live in a land other than Singapore, she did not object.
When I fell in love with my economics graduate teaching fellow (he is 12 years my senior) in the university it was either I relocated to USA or he moved in Singapore.
He tried to get a job in Singapore but was unable to do so back then.
I had to let him go as I was the only idiot left in Singapore and if I flew the coop, what would become of the 2 elderlies?
My brother nor sister batted an eyelid to up and go, leaving their parents behind.
They could not be bothered with their parents and till this date, also do not care. The only thing that ties them to my parents is the windfall they will get once they both keel over.
Such is life, rightly or wrongly.
So when I heard from Mr Kind of his family supporting the incident in the family, I felt the loss of warmth in my own family. It made me reflect on my own community of “family” and it made me very sad.
I was sad as it reminded me of how I would struggle on my own to ensure my parents are well to be discharged from hospital when they fell ill. I had no family support. I had to ensure my dad was safe, trudge off to work and report at the hospital nightly or catch doctor’s ward rounds between 7am to 8am.
The last critical heart condition of my mum, required me to blast the 2 urchins to return else they regret not saying goodbye to mum if she did pass.
Life is fragile.
I want to celebrate the life of my parents and not mourn their deaths when the time comes. It is easier said than done but what else can I do?
Mr Kind was right to revoke his father’s driving rights back then as it would have been worst if an accident occured from a stroke.
Meanwhile, I pray hard for Mr Kind’s father to recover from the stroke with minimal impediment to motor skills else it will be frustrating for his feisty and full of life father who likes independence.
May the deities above, bless and guide Mr Kind and his family to overcome the health issues faced by his father and sister. Grant them both good quality of life and the tenacity to overcome.
May all families stay safe during this covid 19 pandemic.
I am told by Mr Kind that a mutual friend we know, LCA, at age 96 is dying of lung cancer and a weakened heart.
I know him as a man with good humor, booming laughter and a kind heart. He shared with me once that he was so silly to trust his friend and stood as guarantor for the friend’s property.
Long story short, friend defaulted on loans and he ended up paying for a house his friend lived in and that was why when I met him at age 76 years old then that he had to work.
I pray for his painless passing to walk with angels as friends.
This post is written for someone I know who seems to be afraid of the thought of those dying before him and thereby reminding him of his own mortality and days left!
Words like, “my dentist is my good friend and is dead and he is younger than me!” made me see how terrified he was of facing death.
I am not holy in any way nor am I a person with capabilities to spout the bible. But as a lay person, my words to him would be “that the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh.”
If a person has served his or her dues on earth, then his or her dues are done and the person leaves the earthly realm. This is my simplistic way of looking at life and suffering.
I have gone through a lot in life. Horrible bosses of the Ogre kind, the love of my life showing me that I was not worth 5 cents in his life and unending surgical procedures – what did all these taught me?
I could wallow in self pity and lose self in the commonly and erroneously used term of “depression”
Nope, I fought tooth and nail.
I was recently reminded by Technician that in some way, God stood with me for this fight. He put these obstacles there and must have a reason for it all to happen to me, but offered solutions.
So there goes, my beating of breasts and crying “Why me O’Lord?” – Out the window!
Each surgery I underwent, took a toll on my body yet, each surgery left me without major disability. I have a brain that functions, legs that walk (although in pain sometimes) and hands that move (did I mention my scapular hurts) – others do not have this luxury!
My doctors may be financially paid to heal me but each of them have become my good friends that truly care for me when I am ill in hospital or require surgery.
Yes, I could be a transaction; a financial transaction at best and I respect the lines.
But for Doctor James to offer me masks when I had none is another touching point of caring.
He need not do it but he did out of the compassion of his kind and giving heart.
There is also Technician who cares enough to help me understand all my pain and suffering and explaining to me trials and tribulations of life when he could be earning bigger bucks slicing and dicing another patient.
In life I have given to people and not looked back. Giving need not be a monetary act but an act that translates in giving the person in need of whatever, a solution (interim or otherwise).
Being human, I often angst over those I feel I have given but not bothered to acknowledge my existence or abused my love and trust. I learnt that in giving, it must be unconditional.
I feel I am alive, despite all my issues, that I still have undone work left on the earthly realm.
I believe that once I have delivered all that is expected of me, I will leave.
Hence my philosophy and way of life is to live each day like my last. Do no harm to anyone.
As for the love of my life, I will browbeat this person to recognize that what he did to me was wrong.
I am someone’s daughter and sister.
I hope he realizes that his future generation could face the karmic deeds of his and may suffer the same way as he made me suffer.
But I know I will never get to hear his words of remorse which exudes sincerity in any form as he firmly believes he has done no wrong. To him, I am expendable and of use, that is all!
So, I will let karma resolve that. Past life I may have owed him, so this life, I have repaid my debts in full.
Meanwhile death is nothing to be feared.
It has to come – some sooner than later. Others before even life can begin as they are still borned, no chance to even give a shrill cry of life!
As for “good friend” – I will take it with a pinch of salt for the words “good friend” used by the person who feared death and prompted me to write this post.
“Good friend” to the person who feared death is used loosely. He feels he will die a death that is surrounded by thousands of his “good friends” – illusion or reality, we will never know till it happens.
I am less enthusiastic, I will die and if I am lucky, surrounded by Garfield and hopefully 1 or 2 “good friends”.
So my words to the person fearing death is “Stop whining! Man up!”
Let’s please not use the words, “I am in depression” loosely as it makes the real ailment of depression a joke!
Depression when diagnosed is a serious disease and the right support and treatment is required.
I shared with some of my close friends and siblings that I chose to donate my cadaver when I leave the human realm and these are their hilarious replies:-
My Sibling1
“BTW, long distance swimming and treading water!😨”
Note1
Obviously Sibling1 has the heart to worry about my ghostly spirit doing long distance swimming and treading water in eternity. Clearly Sibling1 is worried about me getting tired at some point or another. But hey, being dead, so I feel anything? I am unsure but his statement spoke volumes to me.
My Sibling2
“Ha! Ha. Wonder who goes first?”
Note2
Sibling2 is skirting the issue and chose not to comment. I expected this as Sibling2 is not one to talk about death freely and without qualms. A sibling of few words and a polite guffaw.
Mr Docile:
“I cannot applaud this. But you are very brave and am proud of you. I salute you”
Note3
Mr Docile cares a lot about me. I was only blind not to see it. He has never stopped caring for me since the first day I met him. Till this date, I get daily greetings and questions from him on my well being or how am I doing. As to what to make out of his reply, it could be he is not happy about it, but he has to respect my wishes as this is not an easy decision he feels for anyone.
Chicken
“Aiyoh!”
Note4
A lament in Singlish, our colloquial slang!
Ms Legal Eagle
“I always wanted to. I am scared. I want to get rid of my body in the most biodegradable way possible. It would be nice if there is an alternative to burial in lil red dot. Basically, they “plant” you as fertiliser for a tree. Being a tree would be nice.”
Note5
Ms Legal Eagle is a planned out and well thought out person as I suggested for her to be buried in a private property that she buys and no one would know LOL! She said there were laws on proper disposals of the cadaver. She is a good lawyer!
I have a niche ready and my epitaph on it could read as,
“Here lies Garfield Hug 1993 (date bought from ToysR Us till his Master’s Expiration) Whilst Master At Sea!”
I hope you enjoyed and laughed here. It is not macabre. To me, it is addressing a reality of life.
