Are Memories Worth Recalling Or Keeping?

I do not have a lot of memories and whatever I have or gained in the years post surgeries are not worth remembering is how I feel.

You might ask me – WHY?

Memories to me are the past and I do not wish to relive the past as there is really nothing much to relive and remember pain, suffering and how things did not turn out the way I had hoped for.

I tend to live in the now and the present as what good can memories do to help me?

To remember how I trusted the wrong people? Remind myself for being silly thinking that knowing a person since childhood or as a young adult is knowing that person truly?

To remember bosses from hell? Not worth it!

To remember siblings for not caring? I don’t need to suffer the anguish and expectations of having a sibling in name despite same blood that course veins.

I am not being dark or ungrateful if you think I am.

What is the purpose of memories? Some say it is to relive the good moments. Hmm…I don’t have a lot of those and to me, a good moment is watching a nice soapie or a nice dinner with a person in the here and now and walk away.

I am glad that anaesthesia wiped away a lot of my memories – both good and bad.

The trouble is that being human, I have expectations and this is so wrong.

There is nothing in the manual (if there is such a manual) that siblings are expected to care for each other or for their parents.

There is nothing in that same manual to say that relationships between man and woman are expected to be served in a certain manner.

MR EX is a good example. He purports to care for the world and family but in all the decades I have known him, I was never in his totem pole of care unless I was needed to be a rainmaker or to do something of use to him.

Lords of work places will value me for the service I provide and nothing more. I am obliged to serve my sentence as I am paid. I cannot expect thanks and or appreciation as I am a paid minion. It is also wrong to think that relationships or friendships can be built especially in organisations with more than 300 minions.

I must learn to walk away from siblings thinking they owe me due care or that they owe due care to our parents. I really cannot expect that and it is wrong of me to do so.

Life then gets to be less painful as no expectations and if things are done in a surprising manner, wouldn’t that lift my spirits!

I am silly I know but this is my coping mechanism to continue in my journey of life and pooh pooh away the thought of having or storing memories.

Live spartanly, lesser baggage and life gets better all round I feel.

It Is So Silly When….

It is so silly when I think that I have one pineapple tart, I will stop at just that ONE piece!

It is so silly when I think that I cannot rely on others for help but instead I get Neighbor doing great meals for me on a daily basis.

It is so silly when I think that MR EX “loved” me when in fact all he wanted was to “USE” me.

It is so silly when I think that if only Garfield, my inanimate furball can pick cottony self up and walk and talk to me.

It is so silly when I think that I am smart, when actually I am not!

It is so silly when I hear my elderly mum curse self for not dying as it saddens me.

It is so silly when I see people wasting their life and not striving to be better, although I know it is none of my business.

It is so silly when I think back of all the stupid things I have done in the name of “helping” – some people did not ask for help or need it.

It is so silly when I see self as a decrepit old fool in my ending years as I wonder how will I exit?

Enter the world,

Exit the world,

In tears of joy and tears of sorrow. Still, tears!

I want to exit the world with laughs. Now that is being different….but it is silly of me isn’t it to think this way?

My Personal Opinion Of Covid-19 Vaccine

I share this with light hearted humor and express my personal opinions after discussions with 6 specialists in medicine and people engaged in the procurement, administering and delivering of the vaccine.

By now, my dear readers would know that I yak alot! I also question a lot!

I am by nature inquisitive and always remember not to let it kill Garfield, who is a cat, albeit inanimate.

In my network of humans in high places and informed places, I listen, hear and form my own opinions. Again, I stress that these are my personal opinions, am not a White Coat and should never influence your decision for the vaccine.

Currently, Pfizer, is first to market with its vaccine “Pfizer-BioNTech COVID-19 Vaccine”.

There are others such as Moderna, Sinopharm (China is developing 2 vaccines), Sputnik V (Russians) etc

Much time and money have been invested by the different pharma companies and governments to develop and trial these drugs. Why it can be done at breakneck speed is understood when WHO explained that much of the bureaucracy or hoops to jump through were simplified and approvals obtained. It does not make it any less safe or safer. It is the new normal. I now grimace that some cancer trial drugs took forever to reach the market and know that actually it could be done, but bureaucracy may have stalled it.

I can understand the rationale – if it is between the devil and the deep blue sea, the devil will suffice because people around the world are dropping like flies due to Covid-19. What is there to lose but win isn’t it.

But the problems do arise – just like any medicine, be it an antibiotic or cancer trial drug, there are side effects. It affects some, not all. If it affects too many, drugs will be pulled off the shelf.

I am an anomaly. What normal humans can take, I cannot. I have a record whopping 225 drug allergies (just added Ciprobay and Cravits). My Prof tells me that I am safest to take older drugs as it is more stable, because over time, the trials or recordings of side effects will have built good data for the drug to be stabilised and or re-formulated.

I had the opportunity to be in a dialogue last night with a core team of intelligent people who comprised bureaucrats, doctors and minions like me.

My Think Thot # 1

Trails are done on volunteers or patients in countries where different world ethnicities may not be possible. Hence Pfizer and Moderna’s warning on specifying safe for certain age groups and unsafe for those with certain conditions.

My Thin Thot #2

Herd immunity for the world will take a long while as production takes time and not every country can afford to buy it and this was why Lil Red Dot chipped in to pay for some countries who could not afford to buy or even get their hands on the various Covid-19 vaccines available

My Think Thot #3

Covid-19 will be around at least for the next 3 to 5 years. The spike going around the world, in USA, Europe, Brazil, India etc have forced countries to close their borders to try and contain it. But with the mutations, variants of Covid-19 have evolved. Will there be a constant chase for better vaccines? Definitely

My Think Thot # 4

The vaccine is not a magic bullet. Its efficacy is dependent on how it interacts with individuals who receive it. I would add to the catastrophe as whatever I take, I may keel over and die. I am a bad statistical anomaly. Other elements come to play such as maintaining hygiene, safe distancing, masking up and being disciplined on how we take care of our practises to manage Covid-19

My Think Thot # 5

Pfizer is the top leader of the pack now. They have developed good drugs like Klacid, Viagra, Piroxicam (Feldene) that have helped a lot of people. It will be good for them to trial more and across different ethnicities to gather tolerance and efficacy rates, especially with the new mutations.

My gut feel is we need the vaccine. It is the hope we hold. Key word, “hope” – given time, will we then only know the genetic changes if any it makes in us or long term side effects if any?

But when delivered in a pandemic, it is Hobson’s choice isn’t it?

If I were to be totally zen about it – my thoughts are, we will all go to the heavenly realm in one way or another. It is the Big Guy of different religions that decide isn’t it for its people?

Speaking of which, Mr Nice’s father passed away late morning of Thursday. His father’s passing was not unexpected and I felt it was the end of his suffering on life’s journey as his father suffered a stroke that robbed him of speech and all mobility plus battling stomach and lung issues. I felt it was a relief really.

I shared with Mr Nice not to mourn his father’s passing but to celebrate his life as at age 92 years old, his father had the love of all his children and grandchildren. He left a legacy for Mr Nice to fill and a thriving business to pass onto the next generation of leaders.

Sunday Thoughts…Silly Maybe But It Can Be Sensible

Mr Nice’s father is critically ill. Lungs water filled, oxygen level low and the doctor told Mr Nice that his father is only for palliative care.

Mr Nice decided against the ventilator for his father and his extended family are praying for a swift passing, instead of a labored, long drawn one.

It sounds morbid but if the stricken is me, I too, want a swift death.

I have experienced a 3 month stay on my back fighting for my life before. I did not like it. Tubes everywhere and my veins collapsing and requiring new pokes into the vein to have an IV in me to live.

Silly to pray for death but truly sensible are my thoughts.

Life reminds us of our mortality.

At 92 years old, Mr Nice’s father had lived a successful business life. He set up the thriving business for Mr Nice and gave him financial security.

They made a name for selves in lil red dot.

I feel for Mr Nice as in the last 6 months, he lost his sister to Cancer, Mum to Cancer and now his father in the last lap of life.

Each time I go through this as a friend with a dying relative, I am awaken to know that I will need to go through this for my elderly parents.

There is no avoidance.

Laugh I must and to keep the jollies going for Mr Nice.

Here’s Garfield…

Monday awaits and my prayers are with Mr Nice and his family through this difficult time and that his father does not suffer a lingering death.

Looking Back At 2020 – Why I Need Laughter

2020 has not been a good year for a lot of people as Covid-19 was created in Wuhan, China and went around the world spreading to all continents, including Antarctica.

Businesses collapsed for many as footfall fell with imposition of Circuit Breaker for 2 months and Lil Red Dot saw the loss of many famous eateries closing, karaoke lounges, drinking holes etc.

People I know, lost family members in 2020. With Covid, no wakes for friends to offer condolences as isolation was key.

For myself, I was in hospital as usual and was loaded with a lot of work that I am still trying to clear. Year end has not reduced my work load as Covid safe management measures fell under my territory of work jurisdiction.

Last night saw the lifting from 5 people to 8 people to meet and I saw many people out there with groups of 8 having dinner or lunch. Still, there are some who are cautious and I prefer to be cautious too as it would be silly to throw caution to the wind and a second wave of Covid-19 comes at us.

I had a lovely lunch with Mr Nice and we supped at The Peranakan Place located at Claymore, within the Orchard Hotel Mall. It was crowded but well distanced tables, we did not have crowds around us. We were told to check in using our Trace Together App and sanitize our hands before being escorted to our table by the hostess.

I did not take any photos of the food as I am still familiarising with my new cellphone. I had to switch as the old phone’s battery was not performing well.

I took on a mobile plan and had to pay SGD500 for the Galaxy Note 20 Ultra 5 G. 3 camera lenses but I find that the resolution of the images are less better than my old Galaxy 9+S. Or maybe I have to get use to it. Anyway, it is self treat for my own Christmas present haha!

Too many bells and whistles for the new cellphone as all I really need is for text messaging, emails, photo taking and using it for WordPress.

Laughter is lacking in a lot of people’s lives.

When I was with Mr Nice, I realised how much stress he experienced when he received 32 text messages during lunch hour that his father was unwell. His father is totally incapacitated due to a massive stroke and requires feeding through a tube. He is lucky that he has the support of his brother and 2 sisters. His loss this year of his eldest sister and mother has left him sanguine about life and he shared that as sojourners, journey on and when our time is up, we take our leave. There is nothing to stop it as that is life.

When I compare time spent with Mr Nice versus MR EX, I see a totally different world.

MR EX only chases wealth and to hell with the rest of the world.

Mr Nice does not want to chase wealth and lives within his means, taking care of others, including me. He would help me with groceries and seeking out things that I need to buy.

2 men, both are like chalk and cheese.

I have takeaways globules of wisdom from Mr Nice always and leave feeling at peace whereas if I supped with MR EX, I leave with so much bitterness and unhappiness as I see the ugliness in his character.

But who am I to judge. Maybe MR EX is nice to those he values and love.

Live, love, laugh.

Laughter will lighten our load,

It removes all people who act like toads.

Un-Fun Thoughts & Wonderings About Today’s World

It is one of those days that I would lapse into a mind whirl of wondering and pondering of today’s world.

I reflected back on the last few weeks of happenings around me.

Mr Kind’s mother passed away and he seems to be in a rut over it, grieving and coiled into his own world. He and his late mother were closed and he was his mother’s favorite. I saw the photo he sent me of him at age 4 with his parents celebrating that birthday.

I looked inward to self and wondered how would I deal with my own parents mortality when the time came. Would I crumple into a heap? Would I be paralysed by grief?

I cannot do the above as there is no one else but me. My siblings will not bother. They have made it clear that should my parents passed, just handle everything myself and not bother them. BUT, I must have them at the reading of the will and distribute whatever is willed to them.

Sigh. Living is about money. Dying is about money too. For the life of me, I cannot fathom how anyone can be consciously not conflicted when they pocket money from inheritance but not put in the time to manage the declining years of their loved ones?

Who am I to judge right? I am, afterall the world’s biggest bitch who would really tick them off for their lack of care and love – their sorry excuse is we do not live in lil red dot and now with Covid-19, all the more we will not be visiting as we refuse to pay for the quarantine or serve the time.

What is time and money to see loved ones?

I am keyed wrongly.

I think differently.

I am not a perfect person and I own up to the title of “world’s biggest bitch” most times!

I also saw how selfishly Orange Man took off his mask, defiling all etiology of the Covid-19 disease. How come?

How is he able to “beat” the odds of Covid despite being in the high risk group of higher BMI and age?

Is the Presidency campaign trail worth infecting more people to him?

Then I ask self – is he not ‘woke’ – new slang for being aware of social causes. Soon ‘woke’ will be included in the world of dictionaries.

The English language these days has evolved so much that the Queen’s English, as they say, would kill the stoic users of English.

Shakespeare must have also turned over in his grave when his brand of bard’s English evolved to the Queen’s English and so forth.

I have no answer please…..do you?

Death & Grieving – The 2 May Not Be Congruent

Mr Kind texted me that he is “lost”and feel that the death of his mother is “surreal” as he is numbed without feelings.

I could understand him as Mr Kind is a sensitive and kind man. He may be a man but he does things for family that usually the female does. I should not stereo type here but in Lil Red Dot, rarely do we see persons of his era taking the trouble to do wet marketing for his own nucleus family as well as for his parents.

He cooks, plans the menu and took care of the children. His wife is lucky in that she focuses on her job and ignores meals, marketing, taking care of children or household chores.

Mr Kind’s marriage almost broke down some years ago as he could not stomach the laziness of his wife. I could tell back then as clothes worn by the missus were strewn where discarded only to be picked up by Mr Kind or the domestic helper.

Missus is very lucky in that she is treated as a Queen.

I knew that Mr Kind is strongly bonded with his parents. He is feeling the loss in an unfathomable way as he is not grieving. I feel he will when the funeral is over today and he can have a good bawl in his own personal space.

Further, his father just had a stroke this year and he has not told him that Mother passed away. He is afraid that his father will not be able to take the shock and may also be worst off.

I do not know how to face this when it is my turn to bury my parents. All I hope is that it will not be a long drawn suffering painful journey for them. I hope when the time comes, to depart from earthly realm in as fast as possible, sans pain and suffering.

In my own mind, I have been shortlisting funeral directors. It will be simple as I do not have the bandwidth for long wakes. It should be the same day funeral if crematorium slots are available or next available working day.

I need not splurge on a casket or coffin that costs thousands of dollars as it will be burnt. A simple affair for my parents as I believe if I have treated them well during their living years, it is good enough.

Doing things for the dead appeases the conscience and guilt of the living relatives are my views. I need not do this show for anyone, as there is no one to impress. I need not do it.

All I want is a dignified exit and a fuss free exit.

I have been open to speak to my mum about it and she agrees. She knows that I have no support from my siblings and that I will be taxed heavily to do everything on my own.

I hope to elicit the help of good friends during the funeral as I too, will be numbed and feel the impact of loss long after.

I may want to choose to celebrate their lives and not mourn their deaths as during their living years, I have been at their beck and call and did everything I could have done.

No hoopla, no party like atmosphere, just a private and quiet exit.

Deepest Condolences To The Bereaved Family Of Mr Kind On Passing Of His Mother

About more than a week ago, Mr Kind texted me to share that his mum had a bad cold and fever.

Tests later showed that her lungs were fluid filled and that she was diagnosed with late stage lung cancer.

Whilst the fluids could be drained, it kept his mum very unwell.

Sadly, this afternoon, his mum passed away peacefully, surrounded by loved ones.

Mr Kind is a filial son and as the eldest son, he takes on the role of cooking for his parents and siblings on weekends.

Besides being a successful business man, he balances his own famiy’s needs, extended family’s needs and helping people.

I am one friend whom he checks in daily with and this recent hospitalization of mine, I fully understood that his hands were full attending to his late mum’s needs.

I am really sad for Mr Kind as it is hard to lose a family member. But I comforted Mr Kind by explaining that his mum did not suffer from the ravages of lung cancer. I shared with him how my good friend, Ms Holy Holy’s mum suffered a long drawn death before succumbing to lung cancer years later.

In Mr Kind’s case, his mum did not die from lung cancer per se but due to fluid filled lungs.

She did not suffer much but has been treated for dementia, which made her sometimes, aggressive.

Based on local tradition, wakes are held for 1, 3, 5 or 7 days.

Mr Kind is now busy with funeral arrangements and I hope he will not fall ill himself post funeral from all the stress he went through and will go through till the completion of funeral rites.

A rose for Mr Kind’s Late Mum, honoring her life and giving life to Mr Kind.

A Dying Mother’s Love – Beatiful Moral Of The Story

Mother’s demand at Old Age Home..

After father’s death, son decided to leave his mother at a old age home. Son used to visit her sometimes.

One day he received a phone call from old age home. On other side of call was his mother. In very serious tone she said, “Please come to visit..”

Son went and saw that condition of his mother was very critical.

He sat close to her mother and said, “Mom what can i do for you?”

Mother replied, “Please install fans in old age home as there are no fan here. Also, put a fridge for betterment of food because many time i had to sleep without food.”

Son was surprised to listen to this and questioned, “Mom while you were here you never complained and now when you have only few hours left why are telling me all this??”

Mother replied, “Son, i managed with heat and hunger and pain but when you get old and your children send you here in old age home. I am afraid you will not be able to manage..”

Moral:
Our parents love us and they Never stop Caring about us even if We don’t care enough about them because They love us Unconditionally and we Never realize that till we have them.

Monday Again…Life Goes On & On…

Time flies and truly does not wait for anyone.

I am one of those that would flip through the newspapers and stop to read the obituaries as well. I have this morbid fear that I will not know if I have expired and so, the daily checking will act as telling my wandering soul in case it forgets, that I am a goner! LOL!

I am not afraid about my own death, but I do dread the loss of a loved one. I know I remind self that we are all not immortals and hence this is why, I am happy with my inanimate pet furball Garfield as he will not expire. He will vanish only if I left him somewhere and or lose him literally.

As I read through the obituaries, I pause to think over the penned lines of tributes to the decease.

One particularly nice one was when it said in print that a matriarch passed at age 86 surrounded by loved ones. I felt the warmth.

It must be grand to die surrounded by loved ones.

Sigh, I dare not think as if I will be surrounded by loved ones as I have none. What I do have are inanimate furballs.

I guess I will die surrounded by nurses and doctors and hey, they are my friends.

The realities of life and Mondays goes on…….