Garfieldhug's Blog

This & That Including What Ails

Meaning Of Life? – It Eludes Me

The Sunday Times, our local papers, carried a special 2 page spread on N.O.D.A – meaning “No One Dies Alone.” It made me felt morose and sad.

It covered the journey to death by a 53 year old loner who was dying of esophageal cancer. He was in his last week of life and sent to St Assisi Hospice. He has a sister and an estranged brother whom he has not seen in a long while.

The volunteers set up a roster of 2 hours each to do a bedside vigil for this man. One even felt it was apt to play from her mobile phone, a sutra chant as it helped soothed him as he breathed his last. Though the volunteer was not a Buddhist, she felt the calm too.

Dying is never easy. It is a somber, personal and silent act.

I spent Sunday clearing my credenza that contained this and that. I ended up throwing away 5 plastic bags, filled with useless things that I thought I would use, but never did. I tore up 8 albums of my own photos. Not much use, as only I, remembered myself.

I do not see anyone else remembering me and what is the purpose of keeping them. I came across some photos of my nephew when was just 2 years old. He is now working.

I saw a photo of my sister, bro in law and my brother. No use keeping this as I am nothing to them.

Reading the newspaper article reminded me of those I love and those that will die as they are not immortals. I know I will be hard hit when it is time for mum to report to the heavenly realm.

She is still feisty and a go getter. I am like her. I speak my mind when I find things being done unfairly or not right. I tend to speak up for those who should not get what they deserve.

But I am reminded that this trait bodes hatred. I do that to my siblings as I often remind them (in the past till 2016) of when it was time for them to wish their parents’ a happy birthday or special occasions.

I am the one to let them know whenever any parent of theirs is feeling unwell till I was chided by my sister that I should call only when anyone is dead!

Such cold and callous behavior!

Perhaps I have become selfish. I stopped caring for people lately. It made no sense.

I invested heavily in trying to care for people and often times, I get snide remarks or am forgotten like yesterday’s newspapers. At least yesterday’s newspapers can be recycled to the rag and bone man for $1 to $2 a month.

What am I? Nothing really!

I see self as one of those dying alone. Hmm..maybe with NODA program, I will probably have a rostered group of volunteers sitting by my bedside keeping watch over me, whilst I breathe my last breath.

Sadly, I am reminded that I am a mortal.

A mortal with a conscience and who deeply cared about people surrounding her.

I realise that life is not always pleasant.

But that is life!





Grateful For Lil Things

I am grateful for lil things like when my car goes to the workshop for regular servicing, I get a replacement car to use till then. This sometimes take a week as it includes exterior and interior grooming.

I am grateful for lil things like waking up at night and searching with my hands to find my inanimate furball missing, till I frantically find that he has fallen between the crack of the sideboard and my mattress! Seeing those plastic beady eyes peering out from there is happiness for me! Garfield is not “lost” nor did he “abandon” me.

I am grateful for lil things such as the meals that I can eat and a roof over my head. My drive through Orchard Road last evening with my parents for our annual pilgrimage of the Christmas Light Up saw how bad the economy was and that this year, the retailers have scaled back on light ups. Given such bad economic climate, I am grateful for a job even if it does not pay me well nor my worth.  I am, at least gainfully employed!

I am grateful for lil things like winning arguments 100% of the time. I do not pick fights or arguments but usually do so when I am shortchanged of something that is or was rightfully mine. Yes, I could sit and be trampled upon by service merchants or payment of this or that but I feel that if I do not “correct” it, the next person will do through the same issues I did and that would not be good for the merchant nor the customer. Lesser angst and doing things right the first time is best!

I am grateful for the lil things such as waking up in lil red dot, knowing that we are not in  any war zone, no volcano is spewing ash nor am I snowed in. As a citizen of lil red dot, I am as responsible as the next person to ensure the safety of my lil red dot!

Most importantly, I am grateful that I have my parents still alive and with me, healthy at their age and for me to treasure till the time comes when I have to part ways with them till I see them in another realm. I have friends whose parents left them when they were in their teens!

Yes, life does have lil things for me to be to be grateful about but it still does not exornerate me from bemoaning that life could be a tad better LOL!

I guess if I am satisfied, then I will never strive for better things and stay relevant.


*PS I posted these photos earlier but am reposting them as each light up every year is special to me as it is my ritual with my parents to drive through and see them together. This is that one special thing that I do and share with them. I know they are not immortals and when the time comes for us to part ways, I want to be able to attend each light up in their memory. Kindly bear with me and I hope this does not bore you too much to see it again 🙂


A Glimpse Into The Going Ons At Lil Red Dot This Week

This week has been an eventful one in my lil red dot. Lots of things going on!

Let’s start with the flooding of the rail system we call the Mass Rapid Transit (MRT) that serves the majority of our population. It seems that the maintenance head honcho has been booted and along with his team for falsifying records of maintenance. In fact, they did not do any maintenance and in our local laws, they may be charged in court too for “endangering” lives of the commuters! Morons really! The CEO has apologised. The Land Transport Authority (LTA) has also apologised and most importantly, our Transport Minister Khaw has also apoloogised. It seems there is a deep rooted bad culture of morons working in the MRT and by weeding out these nitwits, I am sure the MRT will get better.

As of last evening, the state has made it mandatory for MRT to report through media, social media any delays to train services etc if delay is 10 minutes or more.

Meanwhile our Minister for Health is busy getting benchmark for medical procedures and tests done so as to reign in exorbitant costs of healthcare and prevent unnecessary hike in insurance costs.

This morning I listened in on an excerpt of a speech made by Minister Vivian Balakrishnan at a private wedding whereby he said that the long term strategy to a good and lasting marriage is the mother in law. I do agree with him as when one gets married, one marries the whole “kampung” or we say “village” LOL!

The otters have a new litter of pups! Yup! We have avid otter fans that track these otters and continuously monitor their health and family expanasion plans as they are the otters that have come to live in our waterways and in our urban jungle setting! We must be doing something right to allow them to breed and run about in our city. Cool to see them scampering about…but not when they run onto the landing strip at Changi International Airport! We literally stopped flight operations to lead them off to safety!

On the weather front, it has been really wet, with lots of rain. I am one who never complains when it rains as to me, it is water! In land scarce Singapore (*though we have 16 reservoirs and water treatment desalination plants), the weather pattern changes have impacted our daily living as the storm drains cannot tackle the water flow properly. So our national water agency, PUB (Public Utilities Board) is spending SGD500 million over the next 3 years to expand and upgrade drains as part of our our water tunnel system to channel and hold water undeground so as not to adversely cause flooding all over the lil red dot.

Driving in Singapore is quite a feat these days as there are roadworks in every corner of the island. Digging for MRT, now storm drains by PUB, gas caverns by SP Services etc

Let’s hope my lil red dot continue to stay bouyant!

On a sadder note, we have had another 2 E scooter riders in accidents with vehicles. The one that got hit by a bus has died from head injuries. Our traffic laws forbid E scooters from riding on the roads. These are meant for park connectors and walkways, not the public roads! Yet, they refuse to heed the warnings! Personally I myself have had to be extra careful when nearing pedestrain crossings or we call zebra crossings as these E Scooter riders would just speed across at 70 Km/h thinking they own the road! Sheesh! Why play or gamble with your own lives?

Anyhow…reality checks, reality bites….it is just another week in lil red dot! Anything happening at your end?

I am eagerly awaiting the royal wedding for Prince Harry. Though I am not a Brit, I am excited for the Brits as this is good as I remembered how sadly Prince Diana passed away and if she is alive to see her children doing well, she will be proud! My best wishes to the future married couple!

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One Way Street – Daily Prompt

Life is not a one way street.

In life, there is alot of giving and taking.

Sometimes life gives twists and turns. Where a U turn is available, I would hurriedly take to avoid snarls or slow traffic.

If life is a one way street, then society would be selfush with the notion of “cheers to me and to hell with the rest of the world” mentality.

Kindness begets kindness is an example of paying forward meals which allows any person who may be in need of meal that day!

Some restaurants have a notice board whereby patrons pay for an extra set of what they are eating and pin it on this board.

Anyone who is hungry, having a bad day or forgot to bring money for a meal is welcomed to pick any meal. No questions asked!

Yes…life to me cannot be a one way street.

Utopian? Perhaps! But I like this philosophy as it reminds me to be kind  and giving.

Of course along the way I attract selfish people who may take advantage but I silently hope that they will be touched to do good and change.

Otherwise, I serve them dehydrated water😆


Thursday Thoughts On Life Frailties

The weather here towards year end is cooler as there are more intermittent showers. Our MET service cited that temperatures would range from 34C to 24C.

Our heat is really humid and wet heat and it attracts the flu bug. Both my parents were down with coughs (really virulent ones as it can linger for a month) and my mum’s cough became wet and clogged her lungs. For fear of pneumonia, this was why her family practitioner advised her to be warded. Thankfully she is getting better as Flumicil helped her expectorate her phlegm.

As one grows older, lungs get weaker and so does muscles. I noticed that most seniors pass from lung congestion which led to massive heart attacks as their continuous tussing caused the heart to give way.

Similarly, my observation of cancer patients is that they do not die from the cancer itself but rather from the complications of the cancer and its treatment. For example, during chemotherapy, in their weakened state, they succumb to infections – usually lungs too, depending on age.

Not all can survive cancer, even so, there is always a 5 year marker to cross. I really do not understand why 5 years as a marker because I thought if one successfully beats cancer, they should be cancer free. But this is untrue as the cancer may be in remission for a year or so and return, often times more aggressive than before.

For cancer survivors that I know of, they always tell me that having survived the first 5 years, they must pass the second instalment of 5 years and it goes on. Each survivor will be having a survival life term window of 5 years per time.

I have great empathy with cancer sufferers as well as sufferers of multiple illnesses.

Some unknown illnesses are not as well publicized as cancer but undoubtedly, they suffer too. No one should be compared to say that their illnesses are not “important” – this is hurtful! Why? The magnitude of how that person suffers is felt by that person alone.

I am a sufferer of an autoimmune disease called Sjorgren’s Syndrome. I may look fine but it does not mean that I am not in pain most days, if not all days! I have been chided by MR EX before that my illness is nothing compared to Cancer as it does not show. He is a meanie when he wants to be but that is him.

Besides Sjorgren’s, I also have rheumatoid arthritis. I also have what the doctor’s term a degenerative spine disease. So, in a nutshell, I do not die instantly but walk like Quasimodo, often times in rigor mortis mode and have awfully dry eyes, dry throat, dry skin…making me susceptible to infections. I often get Leukopenia, which can see my white cells taking a dive like the NASDAQ exchange!

This is my life, this is my outlook and how I live it comes with pain, often times frustration, fatigue and still have to perform ordinary duties of humanoids!

Gaarrrfield where are you….I need a hug! The wet weather is making my spine and bones even stiffer!



My Fascination With The English Language

My fascination with the English language began for me from a very young age, as my parents spoke to me in English since birth.

Singapore or I fondly call lil red dot, was once a British Crown Colony. We achieved our Independence on August 9, 1965.

Our lil red dot was originally a collection of migrants from China, neighboring Malay states, India, Portuguese etc. Technically, our national language is Bahasa Melayu and this explains why our National Anthem is in Malay and still sung in Malay.

With our founding Prime Minister Lee Kuan Yew being an accomplished lawyer from Cambridge, he had the foresight to know that English is the language that we must be all educated in – as if like our first language.

With PM Lee Kuan Yew, he took us from a 3rd world nation to a first world nation status and along the way, he recognized the emerging power of China and the business opportunities within.

This then made him spearhead all to learn and speak Mandarin. The migrant population from all over China spoke in different dialects such as Teochew, Hokkien, Hakka or Hai Lam. We as citizens, benefitted from his wisdom in economic and social policies.

To ensure that we all spoke in unison and in one understandable language, the Speak Mandarin Campaign was launched in the 1970s and today, everyone speaks Mandarin as schoolers take it as their second language option alongside Bahasa Melayu and Tamil. Our second languages or mother tongues are now formal languages and not dialects. Seniors speak it naturally without lapsing into their dialect from the onset.

Malays, Chinese, Indians and others are all learning Mandarin. I know of a Turkish man who speaks fluent Mandarin.

Expatriate families want to enrol their children in our local school system as it is that good!

When Mr Lee Kuan Yew first banned all dialect broadcasts on air and radio in dialects, people howled “blue murder” as they lost their comfort in a dialect they used daily. On hindsight, if he was not adamant about it, today, our progress would not be what it is today. He did good although his style is always with a heavy hand, like a father wanting good for us, his children.

These same people who grumbled and were angered with him queued for more than 18 hours to file past his cortege when he lay in state at Parliament House when he passed away in 2015, to pay their last respects. Many cried as they knew and understood now, what his intentions were back then. We did not know, but he did!

As a child, I read voraciously and was always out to read more. My greatest “English” teacher was Dame Enid Blyton and of course “Dicky” – the dictionary. I read all of Dame Enid’s tales, including Famous Five or Secret 7 series. I remember she shared in her writings, the British flowers mentioned and also the fairies, elves and imps!

I learnt that the pen is mightier than the sword and that a written piece of work can be done in different tones when read by reader.

For example, when it is a speech, a message or a foreword for a journal or even a book or if it is to be written lightheartedly – I recognized the different uses of syntax and how to deliver succinct write ups or even to be mischievous, deliver words with no meanings! I call this verbosity at its best to numb the morons who know nothing about English but just needs to be impressed.

Whilst I also learnt dialects (hard not to as work travels take me to different parts of China and Hong Kong/Macau), I never forgot the importance of a proper language.

The downside to learning a decent language is that the cultural aspect of migrant dialects is lost by the second generation. Today, children do not know how to speak dialects and it is a shame as I find this very useful when speaking in “code” to communicate to the other party during a meeting so that others in the room do not understand. Or when travelling in different English speaking countries, I have a comfortable language to comment to the other companion when bargaining for goods!

Yes, I love the English language and having studied in USA, I was delighted when I topped my Test of English as A Foreign Language (TOEFL) scores – same percentile or even better than native speakers.

I am proud to share that our lil red dot syllabi for math, history and science is also widely accepted by countries such as USA and UK.

And, my first draft is usually my last draft unless, I am factually joining excerpts of text messages LOL!


A Difficult Saturday

My was hospitalised for 2 days and no one informed me till I found out from a stranger.

Off I dashed to the hospital without breakfast as I was worried. 

Reached admissions only to discover she was discharged last evening. Off I dashed to her home.

My ex brother was in town and when he is in town, me the pariah or declared insane by my ex siblings (*this is why I ex communicate them as they bring me nothing but grief literally) have to stay away.

So when he visited for a week ending today, mum was hospitalised. He chose not to inform me. But neither is he going to extend his stay to take care of mum and so, I end up picking the pieces as usual as he merrily packed his bags and left for Hong Kong today at 12.30pm.

In recognising that the 2 elderly needed a family resolve, I asked him if he wanted to patch up the feud. He said NO and said I was mad.

I am done trying. 

I am done pretending that my father is a good man. 

He dotes on his son and other daughter. Whatever I do for him is and will never be appreciated. I do it for posterity.

The move to the new apartment unit of theirs will take place and both my ex siblings will not offer assistance. So be it! Nothing new to me.

Like I told mum, even if I wanted to die, I have to die at their behest not mine as things must be done before I can be sick or die.

Thankfully, I have asked S Man, Chicken and Mr Boy for help. All have indicated availability and I am eternally grateful. 

With a demented or lazy father, take your pick as the geriatrician told my dad off that he is not making any attempts to keep self engaged as all he wants to do is eat and sleep.

I must feed him at his precise timings. Just like changing of guards at Buckingham Palace, feeding him is precise. He is febrile and sups only the best.

So, I have me, myself and I to survive the next 1.5 months.

I am mentally sure now that my decision to ex-communicate with my siblings is a right one.

In their eyes, I am an obstacle to their family inheritance and hence to brandish me as mentally insane or mad is a good one.

I curse God for giving me this awful family. I never belonged, no matter how hard I give my all, financials and time. To this date, I am saddled with a bad investment made by my father. His 2 favorites disappeared and I bailed him out of it. None of my siblings offered to help me pay a substantial sum every month.

Ex bro said I was unreasonable. Why? Because I ask for communication. If there was no communication for follow up on my parents welfare, they suffer not me as I have to waste time hunting down the doctor to get updates. Time wasted which could have helped me understand meds and what to give or do.

I am mentally drained and physically tired. 

Still, I must plod on as the “holiday makers” flits in and out at their own convenience and will not be around for matters that need resolve.

Well, this is the state of affairs that my father has created. By creating a faction, by example since young he sets the tone to his 2 favorites that he detests me.

So if the father says so, they follow suit.

I truly hate my family. I wish I did not have to carry all the burden and when the time comes, to bury the father who hates me as no one else would. But ohhh when it is time to read the will, for sure the 2 will be punctual and eagerly awaiting if I was excluded.

Will they pay for funeral?

Of course not.

With a family like mine, I might as well be adopted by a pauper. At least the pauper will be grateful for a caring home or daughter.

For families out there, please treat all your children equally. There should be no favorites and do not evict any child at a young age as it is traumatising.

I know, because I was one such kid. I know what it is like to be hungry and work 3 jobs to build my own life.

Still, I am there for a father who now has no one by his side and yet he sees no wisdom.

Yes, it has been a difficult Saturday and I am sorry to share this bitter truth of my life.

I have never lived for myself literally. Sigh!

🍋🍋🍋🍋🍋🍋lemony stuff!


News Of Our Prime Minister Meeting President Trump

What is up this week in lil red dot? A lot!! I had to do an extra post as this was indeed good news for USA and lil red dot!😊

Our Prime Minister met with President Trump – they had a “four eye” meeting! Hmm in our colloquial language, 4 four eyes usually mean wearing spectacles LOL! But in this context, it meant only the 2 met 1 on 1.

Good news is that Singapore placed US14 billion or close to S$19billion in 39 plane orders for new Boeing aircrafts (20 Boeing 777-9s and 19 787-10 Dreamliners over the next decade.

President Trump was pleased and said the deal would create 70,000 American jobs!

The visit seems to be going great and I am pleased that President Trump did not mistake our Prime Minister Lee as President Jokowi of Indonesia like the last time. I think this time he got his notes right!

I share a news report published 24 October 2017 OnLINE STRAITS TIMES, which reads,

“PM Lee noted that on the economic front, the US is an important partner for many countries in Asia, just as Asia as a whole is an important economic partner for the US.

“Singapore is a small country – we’re just 5.5 million – but we have sizeable investments and trade with the US, which continue to grow,” he added.

It is the second largest Asian investor in the US, with over US$70 billion in stock investments. Total trade in goods and services amounted to more than US$68 billion last year.

The US has consistently run a trade surplus with Singapore, which stood at over $18 billion in 2016.

The US also exported over US$43 billion a year of goods and services to Singapore. This translates to every Singaporean buying $7,500 worth of American goods and services yearly – from iPhones and pharmaceutical products, to tyres and golf clubs, to financial and consultancy services.

PM Lee noted that he, too, recently discovered that his New Balance shoes were made in the US, probably from New England.

Mr Trump said both the US and Singapore share a belief in rule of law and “understand the unmatched power of private enterprise to uplift the human condition”.

He added: “The US-Singapore relationship has made both of our people far more prosperous and secure, and our values have made us longstanding friends. We are fortunate to have such a wonderful and loyal partner.”


OCT 24, 2017, 1:41 AM SGT


OCT 24, 2017, 8:50 PM

I am proud that my lil red dot is a good friend of USA and a good trading partner of ours and Asia too.

And thankfully, President Trump was not goofy to say things to upset the press…hmm maybe he realized that PM Lee is a serious man and so he decided to be on his best behavior. I am glad the meeting ended well and that President Trump will visit Singapore soon.

Oh and we are ranked the world’s #1 most powerful passport ie we have been, based on the world index. We have a visa free score of 159. We pipped Germany who has 158 score and is the first Asian country to be issued this score. Do visit the link if you want to read more.



The Biggest Lemon In My Life

Anger does consume me and not only did it give me a throbbing headache later, it made me really weigh the benefits of having siblings for “family” in name sake.

As I went through my list of things with them, sadly, I found nothing that came across as family ties between them and me.

In fact, the only things I do remember are the nasty episodes of what they did to me. I may have had the good memories erased by anesthesia from multiple long surgeries, but if so why did the bad ones not get erased.

I have always put family first. They have always put self before family. I remember when dad had to have surgery, Sis was nowhere to be found. When she was found, she claimed she would be there to see dad before he entered the operating theatre (he may not make it as surgeon did say then or lose his faculties) but she never showed. Instead we discovered that she proceeded to go for a holiday in Phuket before making a stopover in lil red dot. Her logic is that if she had to pay so much to see her dad, she might as well enjoy it with a holiday! Sheesh!

Sis has been brought up to be selfish. Dad never corrected her as he stood by her to encourage her selfishness. I guess he paid for it when she put self over him! HA! I loved that!

I went to bed last night hating sis and woke up hating her as much!

Yes, hate or anger can consume me. I need to cut her off. I have not had her significant presence in my life. I do not remember her doing anything sisterly for me. Our ties are purely genetics and nothing more. A friend of hers admonished me, despite me helping this friend to get a business project. It did not cost much but SGD22,000. It was his first since this friend came out of his own to do a business and I helped by giving him an opportunity. This friend behaved rudely towards me during the project roll out and when I told her about it, she did not nothing.

To this date, she still feels that this friend is worth keeping than a sister like me.

As for Bro, he is a coward. He hides behind Sis’ hemlines or now that he is cohabitating with a Hong Kong lady I call the Lizard, he is beholden to her and her family. Lizard saps the command and control of Bro. Bro can only do things that Lizard approves or disapproves. His allowance to visit his parents must be “visa endorsed” by his Lizard.

Why do I detest Lizard? Well for one thing, an impressionable experience. Our family had planned a Perth holiday and we were to meet in Changi transit hall to board the SQ flight to Perth. Lo and behold, we saw Lizard, unannounced but large as Lizard life!

During the trip, all Lizard wanted was to sup on the best of crustaceans and the finer things in life. If there was Beluga caviar in Perth, she would have wanted it. I preferred a simple lunch and wanted to let our parents try hotdog from a hotdog stand. Lizard throws a tantrum and everyone had to cower to her. Her taste in Marrons, shellfishes and abalones were pivotal to her taste buds. This was hardly the holiday of my pocket….yup I had to pay for these lavish meals. Plus I have allergies to shellfish.

I have come to realise that I have a dysfunctional family. I grew up in a dysfunctional family but I kept sanity and mindfulness at heart. I learnt that these things were not good and that whatever these 2 siblings and a horrid dad created hurt me deeply.

Yet, the irony of it is that as my dad loses his memory and will enter dementia, his two beloved children have no bother nor intent to help him. No one wants him. But they do want whatever monies he hold.

I have told myself that when the time comes for him to leave for the heavenly realm, my eulogy will describe the selfish man my dad was and how he condoned the actions of my bro and sis. I will also share that despite all the selfish love he taught these 2 urchins have backfired and how the one he hates most a.k.a me is left to cremate him.

Sure, they will be there for the will reading….money is what they intend to get – their “rightful endowment” is how they see it.

Meanwhile, all I have throughout the years were the sanity of my mum who had to stand between the faction dad created and I.

So, what is familial ties? Nothing really – it means nothing to me! In fact the warmth I get from hugging my inanimate furball is warmer than the chilling cold attitudes of my siblings.

There is no law against cutting off ties with siblings. I must. I have to. This way, I can learn to breathe, love and live life again instead of the all-consuming anger, hatred that I harbor in my heart.

This is the biggest lemon in my heart and the hardest for me to pare down and get down to making something edible or tasty in my life.



A Limit To My Endurance

Life deals a sorry blow most times,

Not healed by sage nor thyme.


Why must siblings fight?

Even more so when money is tight!


I have been a proverbial pain,

I thwart their evil intentions come sun or rain.


Life has never been sweet for me,

No matter how I see.


Is living always about monies,

More for you, lesser for me?


I am tired of fighting!

I am tired of being everyone’s punching bag.

I am deemed a rag,

Sometimes a bag or an old hag.


I am of use when I follow their ruse,

When I choose not to be used,

I am to face their abuse.


I believe not in families,

Flesh and bones do not make a family.


I know because I am one,

I have had my brother threatened me with fists.

I have had my sister disclaim me as a sister in public.

I have had my father “disown” me during my difficult health issue years.


Ah well…laugh I must to preserve my sanity.

You see, my brother is accusing me of insanity.


Life goes on, I must.

If given a choice, I rather not live.

Life is hard.

Life is difficult.

I do not wish my life to anyone else out there.

In silence I cry,

In silence I endure.

My only loyal friend is my inanimate furball Garfield.


I made a decision to walk away from my family today. Regardless of how old my parents are, If I do not walk away, I will self-destruct from the years of sibling abuse and ridicule.

Sorry folk I am not in the best of mood today… I have reached my limit of endurance.